19 Quite Frankly Shameful Reasons I Don’t Want To Turn 19 Tomorrow

  1. Normality called. According to him/her I have an unfathomable list of expectations that I feel I can’t reach (probably because I have short arms)
  2. I just really don’t want to be 19. Like really. Anyone want a swapsees
  3. Seriously did I just blink through my childhood? Gosh, I wish I could change those socially scaring memories that make me feel totally behind.
  4. Is it weird to say I don’t feel I deserve to get older? Like there is some weird test where you have had to done all these things to be 19. Yep just me. Got it!
  5. That I’m trying to make this list somewhat humorous in attempt to protect myself from the thought and the pointless running feeling in my veins. I will try to be serious now…
  6. I feel guilty
  7. I have watched my older sister at this age seen her thrive, have good friends, no social anxiety. Want to fly the nest and all the experiences someone my age should have. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel these years are always hers. I don’t feel real that it’s my turn in them.
  8. I haven’t done most things that even a 13 year-old does without thinking i.e. going shopping with friends, cinema etc. It’s embarrassing!
  9. For goodness sake I’m just so ashamed and humiliated that I still hang on to my parents like a child. Can I feel anymore of an outsider/loser to my generation?
  10. I want to stop it. Shield myself from tomorrow. But I can’t and will never be able to.
  11. I feel like I’m late growing up. Like I had a serious delay because of my years of social anxiety in high school. It’s like I’m learning social skills from the ground up. That makes me feel awkward and laced with a guilt that makes me socially unacceptable.
  12. Frankly I’m crapping myself scared.
  13. This makes me wish even the smallest bit that I lived in Neverland (the Disney version not Once Upon A Timers)
  14. I’ve meant to have grown up. Is it possible to grow up in a matter of hours? Wait aren’t I meant to have ‘grown up’.
  15. I feel ashamed of myself because I look 15 perhaps younger. Let alone 18 – now 19. I can’t deal with the surprised faces!
  16. A year from now I’m 20 :O Just think about that aaaaahhh!!!
  17. I hate the feeling you get when your birthday is about to end. It’s like birthday withdrawal. Yes I’m conflicted.
  18. Where has the magic gone?
  19. I have just, nope I haven’t even got used to 18 yet.

I thought I would share this list with you guys. Does anyone else feel the same? Please LIKE or SHARE or COMMENT especially if you want more posts like this! Love you all so much – I mean really. I hope whatever storm passes that I can at least equip you with something whether its comfort, words, sharing relatable things that will help you get through it. Love & hugs ūüôā

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Poem: Inner Chaos

I’m

f
a
l
L
I  E

N N

G
__ in the down
Into a b-R-O-k-E-n compression
I seep in minute confession, session
Creaky ticks – – -of mental tricks
Singed letters that in creaky blindness tell not truths
____________Invisible sentences brand like paper cramping in fire drippin

G into me,

a current that lights my mind with a familiar strange darkness…
Sadness a there. A you. Complicated, confusing through and through.
I think… I think Incessant. Persistent fathom. Real. Not real. A circle of unknowing listed sincerities or treacheries.

 Where am I?

Here’s what I used to be. The me.

I am neither here or nor there but, yesterday, tomorrow or an hour away.
>CavE< Caving chest, my chest caving. Inward further, further

I hoped you enjoyed the poem and felt that in some way you could relate to the feeling of the words. I couldn’t quite format the way I did on word, but that’s as close as I can get. If you LIKE it please remember to show me below ūüôā Your very welcome to SHARE it too. Love & hugs xx

Why I Am/ Was Scared of Going Abroad part 2

Now that I have lazily or fearfully put off writing this post of what I overcame. My memories of the holiday as they always do are slipping fast to only a few pictures and key moments in my now whizzing mind. Normally this is the time where all the negative stuff almost reclaim their throne. Yes, I will admit that I have emotional break-downy things to overcome and overcome some more. But it’s time to make myself see the things I did.

The first thing I realised when I came home. Where everything physically felt shrunk and day-back from holiday weird. I realised that when I was there the feeling of depression hadn’t been. Yes I hadn’t been perfect, but I didn’t have this pressure in my head. The cloud which had no wind to blow it away. Momentarily dissipated. It was a revelation. If anything it was hope. Depression had lied to me. It told me that there was no way I could shake it off and although on the days after it was darkness gripping me. I knew maybe not now or tomorrow or days away that there was hope.

To make it easier here is a list of some of the things I challenged myself to do and somewhat overcame. For those who need it most the deepest fears I had that didn’t come true.

  • ¬†I have to speak perfect Spanish – 4 or so years ago got an A* in Spanish. The fact they spoke Spanish on Tenerife put a great perfectionist weight on my shoulders. I was anxious everyday running towards it. Spending light-headed moments on duolingo. Angry when I recognised a word but didn’t know what I meant. I felt this such an intense shame for not being ‘fluent’, memories fragmented and nearly useless vocab. With every day drawing the pressure mounted. It felt wretched, disgraced at myself. I became obsessive, but also procrastinator in fear. It was confusing.¬†Conflicted.¬†I had to be fluent in Spanish otherwise… I will humiliate myself? People will look down on me? Stupid? Thoughts went in more complex and horrible urges took hold. The days before going I decided to come away from it. That I would be ok. How did I overcome this? I know I have still a way to go. But even just remembering that I get nervous speaking in English made me feel more accomplished. I always spoke to the cashier in Spanish. I managed to order several things in Spanish a few times. Saying buenos dias the airport lady as I came in. And other small things along the way. I overcame a bit of my perfectionism on Spanish ( my accent was not the best because I was nervous, but that’s ok). I realised that you only really need hello, please and thank you anyway – they spoke English first sometimes. It’s good to try. Social phobias and challenging them in Spanish!
  • I have emetaphobia, I’m going to be sick. I will get sunstroke. Yep I wasn’t sick. Although at one hot point I got really upset my fear was quite intense – it was very hot. The feeling of it felt uncomfortable on the skin and powerful thoughts on sunstroke. With help and new perspective I managed to calm myself. I didn’t get sunstroke or food poisoning or became ill.
  • I can’t cope in the heat. What if I become sick or…¬†I am a Winter/Spring/Autumn but not Summer girl.¬†I still wouldn’t say I love or like the heat. I still covered up as much as I could. This time (a challenge) I was in summery clothes rather than my comfy hoodies. I went outside. I challenged myself to go out on short periods in the sun i.e. walks.
  • Doing my own thang. I accepted that I could be me. That I am entitled also to do the things and I want to do. That I don’t have to feel chained to this invisible social obligation. That I can sit and read in the shade while the others sunbathe.
  • My IBS is going to be so bad.¬†If you don’t know what IBS is it is irritable bowel syndrome – google it if you want all the eewwy details. I was scared that it was going to be bad. Perhaps that it would lead to embarrassment in front of everyone. That I won’t be able to eat much because of it on and on. Yes as it has been this past year my IBS was annoying. However, I still managed to keep going. I still managed to eat regularly.
  • Buffet >germs>bacteria>food poisoning¬†my mind was certain I was going to get food poisoning. I didn’t. Although I avoided some foods, I did manage to challenge myself to eat meat on few occasions. Big step!
  • I’m not going to be able to get to sleep like last time – I have to sleep.¬†I had trouble the first night getting to sleep with anxiety zooming into as soon as I hit the pillow. But as the days went on I fell asleep much better!
  • What do I say? Do they think I’m weird?¬†Not everyone gets IT. For me knowing what to say when I feel like every word is judged – that I would rather run away from people. Starting conversations is hard for me. But I got along with people well and made it a challenge to speak to everyone at the hen do.
  • I will become overwhelmed by my anxiety.¬†One of the biggest the fear of fear itself! There were times where I did feel overwhelmed. But I don’t think it matches up to the sheer scale in my imagination. Not that you can visualise it. You just know that it will be the worst thing in the world!

Of course there were other bitty overcomings. But I don’t want to throw too much at you. If you liked it please remember to give it a thumbs up. Do tell me the things that you overcome on holiday or want to. Loves and hugs ūüôā

Why I Am/Was Scared of Going Abroad

As a general rule “I’m going on holiday!”¬†is followed with some excessive gloating and a daily conversation involving a countdown till the day you finally jet off to an exotic paradise.

But that’s what ‘normal’ people do and think. They get excited. Rub it in everyones’ faces like a mum forcefully applying suncream. Fake rather unsubtly that they wish the person they’re talking to can come. Talk about getting a tan while prodding at their arm or unattractivly bearing their leg against another’s. Perhaps get another bottle of Fake Bake at Boots. Secretly enjoy when they make people envious of their BIG trip away.

Then there is me. Scared to go on holiday. Anxious. And if you asked me what about, I would either give you an overwhelming list that I would still feel I left something out or have a bit of a teary tomato faced breakdown where I cry out “EVERYTHING!”. I suppose it would depend on how you asked me.

Either way even the thought of going away terrified me. So much so I tried to rather unsuccessfully block it from my mind a few times. Go through a million different scenarios which consisted off daydreams of my worst fears.

So let’s get at least some of these fears down on-screen [stretches out fingers]. Honestly, for a long time I have feared sunny warm days. So, when I was invited to go to Tenerife for my cousin’s hen do. You could say I was reluctant. But I knew I ought to say yes.¬†What would my mum think, my sister think if I said I couldn’t go? Would my cousin think I’m strange that I don’t care? Saying no¬†was never an option (I feel as if I have to say yes majority of the time, people pleaser).

As of part 1 I will tell you first of what I was afraid of about going abroad. Most of these I have still got quite a bit further before I can feel I have overcome it.

I don’t know whether it is from year’s of bad associations. My basic knowledge of psychology would say yes. But, in the summer the warm weather just would make me shrink. The insane sheet brightness of summer midday would make my heart sink.

The big question what is it about a summer day that fills my head with anger and my chest with a tight knot? One big thing is my emetophobia. I imagined myself over again fainting with dehydration and having to go to a Spanish speaking hospital. I would vividly picture myself getting heatstroke. Almost feeling the sensations and the worst feeling of all a slight gagging with the power of my imagination.

One of emetophobics favorite words buffets. The booking involved all inclusive food. I also had nightmarish daydreams of getting a serious case of food poisoning by eating meat. I’m not kidding these thoughts are breaking. They conflict your mind like your reflection in a shattered mirror. There is a certainty to your head role-played events. They feel like they¬†are¬†going to happen. If you have ever felt a sense of doom when you felt anxious you will get what I mean.

Summer is a vulnerable time for me. It always has been. I feel exposed when wearing less when its hot (but have to because it’s so freakin hot), but I will still try and wear a hoodie and a jacket as long as bearable. Because when I don’t have them on, I feel like this gangly spider (this does not connote that I’m tall by the way), a stiff awkwardness and embarrassing nakedness. I’m nervous that I will sweat. So, I keep layers on so if I do it will be harder to see.

Plus, I burn. Stand outside in the heat for 2 seconds, burn. To go outside I need factor 50+ suncream and I hate the feel of it on my skin. Eeew! Yuck it feels slabbery and horrible. Get that imaginary suncream off me!

Summer is this romanticized notion. I have always wanted to live it and love it just as teens do in cheesy American movies. But now I’m out of school that dream is finally D-E dead. It brought with it a social expectation. Which ding-a-ling is another issue for the teen girl who didn’t realise she had social anxiety. For me who had always felt the most unteenagry and weirdest little person for not wanting to ‘hang out’ with friends in the summer because I was deathly terrified. The max social outing without my family perhaps would be 1 I the whole 6 weeks and that would probs because my Dad would pester me about it. I didn’t want him to think that I was a total strange bean.

Summer has a habit of bringing all your insecurities up. Like springing daisies. It was a magnifying glass comparing me the social leaf to the social butterflies. It makes me feel socially pathetic. A hedgehog curled in it ball, squeezing its ears shut as to not hear any social invitations.

Where I live you are likely to get bitten alive by mosquitoes. And the blood sucking bugs have given me huge lumps on my legs! Hump! Summer is isolation where I feel I can’t go outside. Where I don’t feel safe outside. I’m my own jailer, and many a school summer has consisted of me alone in the house. Which is really embarrassing to talk about to be honest.

It’s generally feeling uncomfortable. Too hot without anything to take off to cool yourself down. It’s checking and worrying about the temperature. It is getting angry when people say how much they like summer.

For me over¬†a bunch of years Summer, going abroad has been a lingering doom in anticipation. A storm gathering in the spring. I don’t think I can do justice in words just how powerful the fear is. Just how intense and judged you feel by others. That you have to fit in with the social norm of liking summer/hot weather. To like damaging your skin by literally cooking yourself. Another thing, the scary intense heat of the sun searing into my skin. It literally makes me run into the shadows.

All these thoughts and feelings which I am sure there is plenty more of! I have challenged in some way or form. So I will talk about that in my next post. If you feel the same way please let me know. I feel as if this is only me!

I realised I have just gone on about my fear of heat and hot weather rather than my other anxieties. One being having a breakdown, not being able to cope. Next post I will write a list haha.

Please comment if and like if you feel the same way. I feel as if I’m the only one like this!

All the love and hugs! Hope you are having a good day! ūüôā xx

7 Reasons I can’t Stop Talking About My Mental Health

I know it’s not the same for everyone. No two people will ever experience something¬†in exactly¬†the same way. But for me in relation to¬†family chats or having a natter to myself/ self chat. I can’t get this stuff¬†out of my mind.

Ok ‘stuff’ isn’t the most useful word. It’s sounds as if I’m shoving cotton wool or something in my head. But somehow on screen it manages to pretentiously shrink all my problems into an insignificant word. It has some teenagery magical properties to it!

From the moment I wake up at 6:40 every morning to the dreaded don’t-feel-accomplished night. All I can talk, think, breathe and make conversations (to the family, I’m still in society’s closed book thing) about is… trying to find the right word for it… thoughts?¬†Err no.¬†Depression… yes but not quite. Anxiety?

Apparently I can’t stop and even though I’ve tried not to speak about it. It’s tempting as… No it’s pretty tempting! Anyway I think the people around me have had enough.

So here we are then! Basically 7 reasons why I can’t stop talking about my¬†myself¬† mental health:

1. In the mental world I’m on a battlefield

When you’re on the battlefield you need allies, right? If you go it alone, you may as well wave that white flag or return that crown back to the jewelers (if you can find the receipt). Because with allies you’re more likely to win (this can include yourself by the way). I need you’re assurance that you’re in it with me!

2. I’m not being annoying, I’m just as confused as you are.

I know I talk about it a lot. ¬†Yes, it looks selfish. But I’m just hurting. And I wish I didn’t feel the urge to seek reassurance. It’s frustrating for you because you don’t fully understand. Guess what? I don’t either. I’m just as confused if not more than you.

3. It’s kind of hard to ignore pain

If someone is in a lot of pain physically. Say, this chap has broken his leg. You might forgive them for talking about it (all the time) or not concentrating on your story of your hard day at work. It’s the same for me.

Instead, it’s this constant inward pain in my heart, an intoxicating mind hum. It is both inward and outward pain. Inward is the most excruciating.

4. When you tell me not to think about it – IT’S ALL I CAN FLIPPING THINK ABOUT!

Has you’re therapist done the whole¬†if I said don’t think about a pink elephant riding a unicycle¬†thing?¬†Knowing that you would thing¬†exactly that.¬†Yeh, the same thing.

5. This is the loneliest place

Yeh I talk about it, perhaps you think too much. But, it gives me this intense lonely ache in my heart. Like I’m constantly on a deserted island without Captain Jack Sparrow and his secret rum stash (I don’t drink anyway) or some sea turtles that I can strap myself to and escape anxiety and depression AT LAST. If you haven’t seen Pirates of the Caribbean you might be a little at sea here!

6. I just want your help

I only want assurance. When everything feels like its floating away from me and I have nothing to cling onto other than someone’s words to soothe me. Everything feels questionable. For pity sakes! I can’t even decide whether to have porridge or cereal for breakfast!

7. Listen, I’m trying to explain

I say it again and again because I don’t feel like you’re listening. I do it because I so desperately want or need you to understand. Not exactly what I’m ‘going through’ (haven’t we said that enough!), but me. I’m scared. Like really scared.

And if I don’t explain it to you I fear it will get worse. That I will explode.

It is a human need to feel understood. A very natural urge indeed.

Hi Everyone! Thank you for reading my post! If you liked it and felt that it helped or you can relate remember to LIKE & SHARE. I hope you are having a good day. And that if anything I’ve provided you a bit of hope. Our storms will pass! Love you ūüôā xx

5 Bits & Bobs Blogfection Has Taught Me

Are you a blogfectionist?

[Warning: potential eye-roll hazard] Perhaps you could call my blend of the words perfectionist and blog quite dramatic. Maybe you even eye-rolled at the title, thinking in your head¬†why does there have to be a word for everything in this world?¬†But you’re still reading, hey? Got ya, so you must believe that it exists or at least the idea is true.

In a sense you would be right. I’m just as cynical as you are. The word does make me cringe a bit. But, having a word for something makes it less cloud thinking and more the concrete you’re walking on. You can feel it and understand it. So, I thought it would be fitting to write this post since I haven’t posted for a while. And honestly here is probably the reason why!

These are the bits & bobs being a blogfectionist has taught me:

1. I’d rather not be a blogfectionist

Bit No.1. I’m a perfectionist. Ooo what a surprise! Bet you didn’t guess that, right? But, I hate it. If you have already read all my other stuff (if not have a nosey) you would know I have social anxiety. So, when I’m writing a post I feel like I have left a bit of my heart out for people to stare and judge. That scares me a lot.

My anxieties in general have driven me into this¬†everything needs to be perfect atttidude.¬†Which obviously isn’t helpful. At the end of the day writing one blog post is better than a ‘perfect’ post that will never be published, right?

2. Yeh when I said 5 minutes what I really meant was an ENTIRE day

Now for a Bob!

Spending too long on everything because, there is always that stupid back-of-head-voice saying that it’s not good enough. That you need to be better. That it must be better. People are going to judge it.

You’re like that little dog in Mulan chasing the stick. The feeling that tells you something is not quite there.

Lesson learnt: sometimes by doing it in the moment you can create pure magic!

3. May be I should just look at what everyone else is doing then I’ll write something

There’s nothing new about comparing yourselves to others. Or the main reason why we go on a tv binge or netflix marathon…procrastination. Perhaps you’re like me and thought that anything you produced was never as good as anyone elses.

Also that for your blog to be classed as ‘good’ in the blogging dictionary you have to do what other people are doing.

Lesson learnt: by being you. By caring while not caring. You will have created something that no-one else has done before. Also stop procrastinating!

4. I have to think of something amazing before I can write my next post

This is what I’ve been really guilty off. I will now raise my hand in shame. Yep, this is me. In fact, I had read an article that in order to have a popular blog (hey, you’ve probably done it too if you’ve got a blog) to make it really specific. Basically I came up with nothing and here I am.

Lesson learnt: it’s hard when you’re blogging not to feel that you need to have such and such following you or this amount of views whatever in order for your content to have ‘good’ stamped on it. Get out of that world pool of needing numbers to satisfy you and instead think what can I give to the reader?

5. Everything must be so 

No it doesn’t. Imperfection is perfection!

So as a way to overcome this blogfection as I call it. I’m now resisting the urge to edit like a crazy lady fueled on Easter Eggs. If you L L Liked this please do hit the like button and SHARE it too. Hope you are having a good day wherever you are in the world. And if you are struggling whether you feel it’s big or small here is a HUG!

You are loved!

Being Honest

Right now I have the urge to procrastinate. Every muscle. Every thought. Every impulse is pulling me away from writing this. Whatever ‘this’ is? But like how a child clings to her mum or dad with their little arms, not wanting to let go or like those cartoons when it’s really windy and your grabbing onto a lamp-post, here I am.

So what is it that makes me sit here? Somehow destined to write ‘something’ but I don’t know what. Well let’s find out shall we.

I don’t know about you but I find it hard to be completely honest here. I’m not talking about lying or what people may call ‘hiding’. But remember I’ve been conditioned by society to be a closed book. Just like you. That it’s somehow impolite to release that darkness in hope of light.

Take one of the most annoying things that happens all the time! So, you’re ¬†pretty depressed. Right now you’re not in the mood for people. Let alone polite society conversations. But, you have to or supposed to rather answer that question. Yeh that question. Polite but does anyone actually care? How are you?

If you’re like me. Perhaps you’re not, but let’s go with it. You feel obliged to make some effort in your response. Especially since I get so entangled in judgement, but to that stuff later. So, I have to grab around my mind for an answer. And usually I get the same one. I smile as much or as little as I can bear and say the word¬†fine. Because after all this is just a phatic conversation or what the Americans call ‘small talk’ which purpose is to create this illusion of meeting the other persons’ needs.

Yes, an illusion. Sometimes when we ask this question to others we expect a short response too. If I’d just met you and you asked me How are you? and I said¬†Crap, everything is going all wrong. [Sobs] I’m constantly fighting myself. My therapist says I have Social Anxiety, Generalised Anxiety, Emetophobia…¬†Things would get really awkward very quickly. The same thing goes with blogging.

To you I haven’t gone anywhere. Well within words. But in between writing the above: I’ve survived a driving lesson which consisted mainly of information bombardment; played the indecisive food game which meant a trip to the supermarket; temporary been distracted by family coming home and have been engaged by the parade of negative thoughts stomping in my head. So you could say my flow has been trampled on. That and it left it wide open to temptation to leave this post undone.

So here is for the honesty talk¬†– oh no [shrinks back into chair and looks blankly at the screen].¬†There is a certain bravery to reveal your whole self. And perhaps in this way it feels as if a more flawed version of me – because well I’m anxious and depressed. I’m not suddenly write a of list how amazing I am. You know as well as I when you have to talk about yourself when your depressed to someone your brain doesn’t even count the positives. In fact it’s like they go whoosh past our minds. It’s kind of like all the positives are hidden under some Harry Potter style invisibility cloak.

I think more than anything else. I feel choked with expectations. Society’s expectations. The ones we want to defy but then get sucked into. I’m alone most days. Even just saying that makes me feel an attention seeker. The same way sometimes I’m made to feel like when I’m talking about my anxiety.

I feel trapped in my house, yet I feel utterly powerless about it. It makes me grudging and all the things I don’t want to be made out of. I say I’m only 18 as if it would be some sort of excuse for something. I decided University was not for me. I was eager to be a writer and a young business woman.

I finished school on a very anxious note. My anxiety had just reached a new level I had never experienced before. I was totally at sea, and although I told people about my anxiety and had done some CBT it wasn’t really taken seriously by my school. So, now I know before one of my exams I experienced some form of hallucination. But before you get freaked out it was when I was asleep. Apparently I was inbetween sleep and consciousness. I was having a nightmare that I was failing my exam. I felt like I was really taking the exam, but I could also see my room. Plus the nausea was horrible, especially with my fear of being sick.

But back to the other situation. I don’t know if you are in the same position as me? Isolated. Completely isolated. I’m trying. I swear I am. Making friends when you’re socially anxious without school is difficult. Everything is up to you. You have to go searching for it. So, although I do voluntary work once a week to combat my worries. I am looking for a ‘normal’ job because that’s what I ought to do. Plus it makes conversations go flat very easily.

But I always get in a muddle when I really think about jobs. Yes you earn money. Yes that’s well and good. You need money to live in this world. But the actual reality of work is that you experience the same world over and over then to get to a hard part. We’re told by society you either go to university or get a job. Then it changes to get a job.

Then your forced into this circle for life, where most of us are just chasing money with no real happiness. Doing things we didn’t want to do, for little pay.

Anyway. The fact that I’m unemployed makes me feel tainted. Looked down on by society. I’ve nearly reached a thousand words. So, I will write another honest post soon!

I love you. And if you liked my honesty post please give it a LIKE. Please do SHARE if it will help someone else. Congratulations you have managed to get to the end of my long rant! All the love and hugs xx

4 Things You Should Know

Firstly before I put this show on the road, just a word of warning that there might be some cheesyness. Yes, when you’re talking about this stuff I’m bound to go a bit mushy gushy on you. But hey, sometimes we need that clich√© in our lives. So, sit, relax and read the 4 Things You Should Know… [DRUM ROLL]

#1 You are loved my friend

I get it. Right now you might not be feeling a lot of love. Perhaps not in the classic Romeo and Juliet style (we can dream people, 90s Leo – swoon) or like one of those heart warming family movies [insert film here]. In fact at times it can feel as if our emotions block out that love which is already there, you know?

Perhaps we have given into these chattering thoughts that we’re unlovable. That we can never be truly loved. Wrong. You are loved. You are loved so deeply. Whether you feel as if you’ve got loving family and friends or not. You are loved. I love you. Now come here and give me a big cuddle [eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]. See that’s better, right?

#2 You’re not alone. Anxiety (slash mental health) is not a club of 1.

So here is where I whip out the clich√©s. I know. I know. I put my hands up. But it’s true.

Let’s face it, we all go through the stage where we think no-one will ever understand. It makes us angry and frustrated. That’s when we feel so alone. It (as anxiety, depression whatever it is you’re going through) tells us that we are miserably alone.

That’s a lie. You know it. Hopefully I’m proof of that. There are people who understand. Who go through the same thing. But in a weird way (in our mind) feeling generalized can be perceived as bad. Like it downplays how we feel. That ‘in reality’ we are different, special. May this is just me. If it makes any sense that’s how I first felt.

You are understood. And that is a brilliant thing!

#3 Anxiety is as useless as the toys you get from a Christmas cracker

If anxiety was a person, it would be that guy at work or school or whatever. The one where you have worked your all and this cracker has just been playing thumb wars with himself and hovering about doing nothing. How annoying, right? ¬†That’s what anxiety does, it gets you know where.

But does anxiety ever help a situation? Does it give you anything other than drive you bananas and give you weird symptoms you then get paranoid about? No.

I know this a brain twister. But understanding that it’s nothing. That it doesn’t achieve something. Is BIG!

#4 Anything is possible

Don’t cringe when I quote “Anything is possible if you just believe,” or “Impossible to I’m possible”. Or create a mental list of thoughts to throw at me. Hear or rather read me out.

Simple, anything is possible. If you can dream it, then you can live it. It’s possible to not feel as anxious. It’s possible to be happy. It’s possible. You are possible. Your mind can easily without even thinking give you a list of reasons why you can’t do something.

Let’s pick the traditional one¬†I’m/your not good enough.¬†Would you say that to your friend? You wouldn’t dream of it. So, why do we put ourselves down?

I believe in you. This world’s possibilities are endless. And just when you realise that. When all those worries seem small in the large picture. When you realise that you’re not obligated to work a job you don’t want or to please someone who will never be pleased. You will be free my friend.

If you want to give this some L-O-V-E, love, give it thumbs up. If you want to spread the LOVE SHARE! Thank you for hopping on to the¬†roller-coaster¬†with me. I love you. And¬†although I can’t be with you right now, I can give you a BIG HUG. Lots of love xx

Anxiety Diaries: 6th March 2015

Sometimes words can rub off on us. Give us¬†boom-nows-my- time chill. You know what I mean, right? Well anyway sometimes that can be enough to spur those brain cogs on. Other times perhaps like now they’re going through one ear and out the other. That or like when you read those cutesy quotes you are ballooned with all this excitement.¬†I’m not going to let anyone stop me… I can do anything.¬†Then you’ve guessed it whether that be minutes or hours we are back to the same old same old.

Now here is going to be a collection of what I’ve learnt from the few days, I’ve clearly procrastinated from writing the blog. Speak. Not so hard is it you say?

A few days ago. I stood up in a small crowd of people and spoke. Why is that a big deal?

Whatever you choose to take from this, whether you believe in God or not. For me God had a lot to do with it. In fact, it was him who put my hand up, stand up and hold a mic. The me inside couldn’t comprehend how that happened. How I got here. Now this was it. Now I had to say something. There was no awkwardly trying to throw the mic at someone else. I had waited for this moment yet, I was frightened.

All the things I talked about saying had slipped from my noggin. I was terrified. Before my feet had been tapping in nervous anticipation. But then something happened. Words flowed elegantly from my mouth and people responded it amazingly. I had to remember the fear I felt was nothing in comparison to the fear that I was speaking for. This struggle I felt, my heart racing – the do I don’t I speak – is nothing. My prayer was answered completely.

What was I scared of? Judgement? Rejection? I have been a people pleaser all my life. I’ve always had this urge to please people, because I couldn’t stand if they judged or disliked me. That I have to eat everything to not offend someone. That I have to cover up my emotions, because it would be rude or impolite of me to do otherwise and so on and so on the list goes.

Listen to those thoughts. Yeh, I didn’t realise how ridiculous they sound either. Or rather I did, I just didn’t and don’t quite know what to do with them. Years in quotes and stuff people say ‘be yourself’. And I’ve been like yeh that’s so true. Yet in social situations found it hard to find myself, a version that’s not just acting for the other person.

It’s amazing to know that you can be you! It’s simple but it’s weird just how much you can forget it. You have a voice. Own it! Be it! Your voice is just as important as anyone else’s.

If something is coming up in your life that you need a bit of courage for, listen to this song Brave by Sara Bareilles. I want to see you be brave! Listen and really soak in those lyrics. It might not give you automatic bravery, but I tell you just close your eyes and visualise the positive outcome.

Whatever your feeling right now. Whatever life horrible rubbish that might be trailing you right now. Even if you don’t believe your entitled to these feelings. You’re here. You are loved. Look you’re getting through it and that ain’t easy my friend. And what does that tell you… that you’re amazing of course. You were made perfect. You are perfect, no matter how many comparisons you might think of. Everyone has their own sort of beauty. Let yours shine through.

Share and like. Please do comment on your BRAVE moments. Doesn’t have to be big. Could be as simple as a smile to whatever – I don’t want to limit it! If you likey please do remember to show me with a like or a share. All the love and hugs!! xx

Anxiety Diary: 3rd March 2015

Right now I’m tired not only literally but also metaphorically. Inwardly I’m constantly exhausted. Even though I keep fantasizing about going to bed right now, I’m drawn back here, to you.

But, today when I got up. I knew I wanted to face my anxiety somehow, someway. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t jump out of bed and start singing like some cheesy Disney Channel movie. Mind you that would be great, if someone could my life for a constant musical that would be great. I would like a piece of that flawed optimism and over rhyming happiness any day.

Anyway back to the story. In my therapy session or whatever it is I am on. All we do is write-up behavioral experiments which you could imagine I would be thrilled about (detect sarcasm?). I mean come on, of course I want to get over all those things labelled to me. But, on the other hand I want to sit there roll in a ball like a hedgehog and pretend that the therapist just didn’t give me ‘homework’ that my whole body repels. It almost made my ears want to close.

The deal is this. And it’s going to pretty much suck for the 1st half at least. We are going to have to challenge ourselves, find out whether it met that showreel of crappy outcomes. Most likely it didn’t.

This is why today, I decided to walk to the library. Wow big deal you say. It’s not so much the walking part, but crossing roads and passing people. Sometimes my mind used to ¬†and still from time to time will picture bad things happening like getting kidnapped, robbed – whatever. I did it.

I even made it my goal to look at least one person in the face, smile and say hi. I did that too. Which by the way I did more than once and it made me realise just how little people actually care and how unhappy people look. Not that it’s all about my list but I locked the door once (as therapist said without checking). There were other few bits and pieces that I was also able to do to, but I thought these would be good to share.

Although it’s daunting set yourself a few challenges. It’s not about ‘doing everything’. Or I have to get over my fear right now. It’s not even a I can’t do it or its too much. Challenges can be as big or as simple as you like. If you struggle getting up. Or your feeling low and find it hard to do things keep the list simple like: Get up, have breakfast etc. That way you can tick them off and feel like you have accomplished something. I’m telling you just a few being able to tick, cross whatever is on your list off gives just that bit of satisfaction you needed. And if you are anything like me it helps to take away the guilt of not doing things.

I don’t know what yet, but I will make a few post based on challenges. That way we can all support one another. Perhaps we could work on a 7 day challenge where we set a 1 goal for everyday? Let me know what you think.

Thank you for reading you amazing human being!! Love you so much and here is a BIG HUG. If you thought that tickled your heart give it a like, and if you felt if was hug worthy give it a good SHARE. Hope you are having a good day!