Anxiety Diaries: 27th February 2015

Why do we do it to ourselves?

It’s society’s biggest contradiction, out of many. A secret everyone knows, yet it still keeps its secret title. Because that’s what it feels like, two let’s be honest bitchy girls whispering into cupped hands that or when tired of obviousness is like the Mean Girl posse ready to throw the burn book at you. (You notice the amount of film references I have to explain). Sure you know what I’m talking about here? No?

Judgement. Society has two different dance crews. The 1st are the ones who step-touch to the beat of imaginary social laws. They like the technical dancer expect your dancing ability to meet a certain criteria – and will make it known if your moves don’t tick the tiny judging boxes. Then there is the other crew. The 2nd. They dance from the heart. In fact, they want to use their choreographic genius to break ordinary dance laws and be unique. Where are we? In between.

Let’s face it. We know about society’s invisible laws:¬†to be ‘normal’, to not say what you think because its impolite, to be skinny¬†whatever it is and I’m not going to write the epically long list. And we all despise them, right? Have you ever felt frustrated, ugly…stupid question everyone has. Why? Because of society’s image. Who is this society person, because it seems that everyone feels the same way about them.

Yet we feel this urge to please it. Be it. And a long way we fall into its trap and we begin to judge others. So like I said we are in between.

As someone with social anxiety judgement is one of my big stumbling blocks. (Be more positive) the thing I’m getting better with. If I’m honest social anxiety makes you not just fear judgement from others, but also makes you the ultimate judgey. I hate that.

If you get socially anxious, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Because at the end of the day you are judging them, judging you. You might judge someones appearance and deem them more intimidating or scary or whatever the thoughts that go through us. People to avoid.

It’s the exact same about people who are less fortunate than us. They need are help the most yet. Society as a whole has this weird ignoring system going on. We have been told to feel uncomfortable and avoid contact because really we are scared, we feel judged. Well what about them?

Today, I’ve learnt a lot about judgement. It’s easy to do and hard to silence. I don’t want to be judged, so why should I judge another? We are all human beings. Different but, fundamentally the same.

This is the lesson I have learnt. Over the past months I’ve had a revelation that I’m not obligated to anyone. It seems so obvious. That you don’t have to censor yourself. It’s like I couldn’t fathom how people could say no straight out to people that they didn’t want to go or something. But, I have also learned or rather working on not judging others. For me today that is where I took my step forward.

You reader whatever you are experiencing right now! Whether pain, confusion, anxiety, depression whatever it is. Here is some love. You are loved. You are cherished. Now have a beautiful day. And let’s not judge each others ūüôā

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Anxiety Diaries: 26th February 2015

Today I pretty much feel like Madonna. And I’m not talking about me singing a Madonna Glee style mash-up with a hairbrush in a mirror which wouldn’t really be that weird considering we have got up to that point in society where we know we all do it (Lizzie McGuire movie style). Of course I’m referring to…[cough] oh sorry you didn’t get that? Let’s just say Edna Mode (Incredibles – Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about) was right about the whole no capes thing.

As I watched (ex-theatre student here), saw that she couldn’t undo the tie around her neck. (If you haven’t heard or seen it, Madonna had a costume/performance malfunction.) I had this feeling that something was going to go wrong or at the very least out of time. It did. The dancers pulled her back and the lady went flying. Now I wasn’t going to talk about this. Because somehow I felt I would be adding fuel to a fire. And in the ironic sense of her lyric choice she got back up again, despite the lack of help from others. Simply amazing!

I’m still slightly afraid to be honest here. But, I too feel like I’m on pause at the moment she was in mid-air or rather hit the ground. My mind is split into two sides either give in to this low, darkness that keeps pecking at my shoulder – to the anxiety that has my thoughts annoyingly negative. Or to do something different. To find the hope. To pray and feel love. Not this crappy irritable haze that has you exhausted with your own self-hatred. I don’t want to be ‘moody’ with anyone. I’m fed up of a guilt if I don’t do this that or the other. A so intense guilt. Or to not even be able to make a decision on what I should eat – because this… that and if I eat this then it means I’m that.

The thing is people. It’s hard. Pah… way to point out the obvious. Right now give yourself a hug or rather imagine a hug from me. During my phase of excessive searching which I still do (trying to stop), I keep looking for this neat shiny answer. It’s the one in a way we all have been promised. But, we seem disappointed when we find the answer. Ourselves. Us. We are the only answer. You are the answer.

I know not the answer you were looking for, right? I felt and still struggle with it to. Can I really overcome this? In fact we often go back to the blame game or other basically Internet junk that says you will be cured if you do this…

It’s a toughie. A big humph. I suppose that’s what commercialism has taught us – if anything. But, that certainly doesn’t mean we should grumble and walk out the door. No, it’s good. We know the answer! We are it. Whether we believe it or not have the power. Don’t deny it, you know it.

So, for instance tonight I had the choice to host a pity party for one. To let my low moods engulf me. To not write. Right, now I may not feel perfect. I can’t deny that I don’t feel guilty for not ‘doing everything’. Or that I still feel uncomfortable and awkward when I talked to people today for over an hour.

That I haven’t got or job yet. Judged that I don’t have one. Stuck in my house because of all these emotions. So, there is a lot on my imperfect list. I know my mind goes over them every day. But, I’m moving forward, even if I don’t really believe it. Hey, I talked to people. I wrote this post. You remember too that the little things count. In fact you will realise, to you they weren’t little at all. Too often do we think we have to get over big fears instantly. Here’s the thing, we don’t!

Basically do what Madonna did! Get back up and give it your all!!

If you had a fun ride give it a like. If you would like to take this rollercoaster somewhere else then share it! Hope this helps and that you are having a great day!

4 Mind-blowing Quotes to Live By

It’s crazy, isn’t it? The need for words in our life! Gosh, it’s like we forget to acknowledge the poor souls. They entertain us, comfort us, make us laugh, cry. Sometimes they can be used as a weapons and others as if they were an embrace. Either way when we are scrolling down our Instagram or Facebook or whatever it may be, there’s always the odd quote to like. They move us and give a certain fire in the belly.

Now I’m not making any promises here. Yes quotes have a tendency to give us a fizzled burst of motivation. Perhaps, we expect the words to magically lift us up and carry the act out. Because on willpower let’s face it – we be back to the same-old-same-old tomorrow.

So these quotes you may just have to come back and remind yourselves. Here are 4 Mind-blowing quotes we all should live by!

#1 “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

Especially with us anxious people we like to put on a mask. People please. Sometimes we could be in awe when someone appears to know who they are and are not afraid to show it.

Be that person. Be you. You might just be bowled over about the amount of time we wasted pretending to others!

#2 “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Gandhi

It’s weird. When we are little we’re told we can be who we want. Achieve anything. In adulthood not so much.

You can do it. I believe in you. Whatever it is – doesn’t have to be BIG, I’m-going-to-save-the-world stuff. It could simply be improving yourself and reflecting that onto others.

#3 “Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.” Will Smith

I thought I would choose a different quote, but this one stuck with me. I’m sure in some movie they came up with the line like in life we have choices. We either choose to deal with love or anger. Will Smith clicks onto something here.

Sometimes we hang on to the anger that it becomes hate. Consumes us. Makes us bitter. Instead, forgive, love. It’s not easy. I’m not saying it is, but its better for you that way.

#4 “God didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?” Unknown

Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. And this quote is a good reminder that we can’t do everything at once! No matter how hard we try!

If you had a cracking time reading this post then show me and like it! If you were having a ball of a time and thought it was useful please do spread the word. And I would love to hear from you in the comments of the quotes you like!

Anxiety Diaries: 20th February 2015

I want to write, but don’t. My idea for this blog was not to influence people with my well-known pessimism or sarcasm, but to show a positive journey of overcoming anxiety. Let’s just say it’s not going to plan. And I have forgotten all the witty lines I thought of putting on here about an hour ago. In someway I feel I failed. But I guess you’re gonna hit some bumps on the road, stupid potholes! Humph

One word for today… overwhelmed. It was one of the gradual incline days. You know the ones your perfectly fine well ish and then something catches you? Cue emotional breakdown. You feel like you have reached what everyone has called Rock bottom. This must be it you think. What it’s meant to be like? If depression in height is the bottom then this must be where I am. I had been alone in the house,¬†enclosed in its walls that I have almost become part of the furniture¬†(is that a line from Oliver!?). Then some weird symptom has had me freaking out. It just set me off. But am I ¬†at rock bottom, the invisible metaphorical place?

Well here is the glitter of positivity. Which has now just astonished me. It’s weird what can happen when you write. Today we walked, when I say ‘we’ I mean my mum and I to a cafe. Frustrated we couldn’t get into the cafe (hungry mind) with a view because a random wedding party was crammed¬†in there. We headed back to the car. I noticed mum trudging beside me her eyes straight on the dull pavement ahead. She was missing it! The view was just there, beautiful and yet she was distracted by the ugly concrete slab. When I told her this she almost shuck her head in realisation. There while she was not looking, were clouds that looked as if they were the shading of a masterpiece not my reality. Perplexing nature, birds swooping down to the water logged marshes. Formed pools gleaming in the light which escaped the veil of the clouds. It was all there.

So, although I’ve had a good cry and have not been the perfect role model I wanted to be. This is my lesson of the day. Look at the view. It’s beauty. The many complexities. It’s already there. We’re just not turning our heads to it. Why is the concrete more appealing? Concrete is dull, man made it swallows everything up and paralyses.

Considering I like my metaphors. Not an English geek or anything – pah? Concrete can be our suffering, anxiety, depression, society’s opinion either way it encases us and draws us away from reality. The view is who we really are. I know beautiful is an over used adjective so I will find another. Ambrosial check that out! You are complex, human with all added complications and perhaps you and I with an extra helping. But, who doesn’t like an extra helping to an amazing desert?

I don’t need to know you to know how delightful you are. You are. Like the view you may be waterlogged with thoughts, have a few muddy areas underfoot, but when you look UP. The wider picture it’s there staring you in the face!

Hello Anxiety

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Anxiety Diaries: 19th February 2015

Dear reader I’m in serious need of a hug. Right now I’m like a balloon, all blown up and need deflating before that person (yes there is always that one at a party – not that I attend many) pops me.

Everything is sending me crazy. One thing and CABOOM! It’s like that bit in Finding Nemo when Dory hits one of those floating bombs at Bruce’s party. WATCH out for the anxiasaurus (that was a failed blend) ready to roar at the sight of judgement or rather my gurgling stomach.

I’m tilting over the edge. I’m constantly irritable and as hard as I try not to be mad. Know really that I shouldn’t be. ¬†Another stampede of thoughts bombard me with why I should feel angry.¬†Not helping brain.¬†Do you get like this around people aka your family, friends?

I don’t know whether I should be using this many similes? But I feel as if I should explain myself than write a list of what I’ve done today or rather what I didn’t do.¬†Yawn.

A minute ago I wanted to cry. I’m so frustrated. Just that I’m anxious about being anxious demonstrates an almost comical irony.

Here it is and I don’t know whether you feel the same. During these moments when my body is playing robot with tension and every vein in my body is a fuse connected to my heart, dynamite. Like when you accidentally speed a film too much that you missed the bit you wanted. I hate when that happens!

Part of you wants to be your heroic side. You know the person everyone chats about?Tries to fight the anxiety, attempting positive thinking while the other is tempting you, wanting you to not let go of anxiety. It’s like the moment when you’re not anxious about something you usually are. And that’s good progress. But a part of you feels weird about not feeling anxious. Then you feel as if you ought to be anxious. Yep it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true, right?

I started my day early. Good. But do you ever get so up tight when you don’t get to tick everything off your list? I try to shake the feeling of failure, but it keeps flying back at me and hitting me SMACK in the face.

Another thing, do you get these moments when you feel as if you can’t get up? Literally, I’m not referring to physical weight in any way. You want and don’t want to do anything, you literally feel glued to the spot, muscles giving in to gravity. There is something in you that just wants to bask in the lowness. Yet you feel so guilty too.

Oh yeh and walking past people today. Every time someone in view goes to walk past me I have to mentally prepare. I get anxious and don’t quite know what to do with myself. Normally I conclude that I should attempt a smile, but most of the time they don’t even acknowledge me.

So, I’ve been pretty negative today. Sorry people! But what have I learned is this: Anxiety is pointless. Harsh words, true. It never adds just takes away. Ask yourself: is this anxiety helping this situation? The answer would probably be no. It is no. It never will.

Thank you for reading you beautiful soul!

Hello Anxiety

Please do click like so I can see if you enjoyed it and remember to share it so we can spread the word! Lots of love and hugs!

Anxiety Diary: 18th February 2015

Anxiety is a weird thing?

It’s like when you’re trying to fit your whole wardrobe into a suitcase, right? Of course you knew that you put too many things in the first place, but you need your spare pair of… just in case.

So, you sit on it. Use your ‘multitasking’ skills to jump on it like a monkey hoping the momentum will allow you to snap it shut or zip it whatever. That’s kind of what my anxiety is like at the moment. Overwhelming!

The excess clothing is like the excess thoughts just wanting to burst out. Or rather that I’m filling myself up, packing and packing until I can no longer deny all those thoughts. I can no longer close the suitcase and hide all the contents to the people I fear will judge me.

This passed while has been the toughest. Anxiety has taken over my body and it was no longer a matter of just trying to combat my thoughts. My stomach is constantly tense live wire. Scratch that my whole body is, especially my tummy! Appetite is playing hokey pokey, I can’t stop thinking about food being able to eat – not being able to eat. You know the what ifs.

My whole digestive system is playing a bad game of Tetris paused. I feel obligated to people all the time. My thoughts ring past me in a negative swarm constantly. Let’s just say for the first diary entry that I don’t feel all that good and there is hardly a minute goes by without feeling anxious.

However, yesterday I achieved something big. Well for me anyway. Normally, I’m the hide under the rock type. If you don’t know already I have social anxiety, so getting invited to places ordinarily has me in a worry frenzy. And it takes me ages to make a decision whether to say yes or no. On one hand for me, is the obligation I feel I have for the person inviting me and the other terrified voice that is telling me not to go or something really bad will happen. So, I seek reassurance from my family, hoping they would make the decision for me.

I think I will let you into my mind a second. When I get invited to something it takes over everything. All I can think about. I’m sitting on the edge of my seat constantly. For hours I will procrastinate, not make a decision. During that time I’m imagining all that could possibly go wrong or how awkward I’m going to be. I’m scared about being scared. My whole body feels a wreck. An annoying circle.

Yesterday being pancake day, I was invited to a social gathering – if that’s what you call it (I had challenged myself by joining a Church group to make some friends, scary stuff). My appetite has been low, my stomach tighter than anything and I can’t stop obsessing over what I eat so, I was really anxious that¬†I would have to eat something¬†when I was there and what then they would think of me. Or if I forced myself to eat it and be sick. That and all the social stuff…¬†what will I say? Do I look ok? What happens if there is an awkward silence? Will they judge me etc?

Guess what? I had a good time! And I was able to say no! Two things I thought would never happen. I also started conversations and focused on asking others questions. Although my stomach is still in knots as I type, in a small way things are getting better in all the worseness!

This is the first of my anxiety diaries, so I should get the hang of it. Hopefully I will be able to open up more the more I do it, so I can show what it is like to live with anxiety! Thank you for reading and here is a virtual hug from me. It’s not easy. No matter what way you experience it. But we’ll get there, I know we will.

Hello Anxiety xx

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6 Social anxiety traits I’d rather not have

#1 Built in performance scanner

I swear it’s like I have this built-in scanner. Every time I talk to someone, which¬†lets face it is not a lot. It’s like my mind is some weird sci-fi computer that scans me whoosh in waves from my head to toe.¬†Do I look awkward? I’m I slouching? Am I in a weird position?¬†I can’t remember all the thoughts, but you get the drill.

#2 Like Edward Cullen I can read minds

Sorry for the Twilight simile. I know, I know mega cheese. But, it was either that or the mystic Meg option. Yep I’ve talked about this one before. We like to think we know what everyone is thinking of us. But, of course there only thinking what we’re really thinking, right?¬†Ugh how socially awkward is she/he…

#3 Over thinker, ain’t that an understatement¬†

The word overdrive doesn’t even put a dint into social anxiety ( I unexpectedly just wrote a pun). Anyway, you can ensure that I will come up with every scenario. Mainly consisting of the ones with some tragedy where I utterly humiliate myself just in hundreds of different ways.

Yep whether it’s practicing made up conversations in my head, I think about EVERYTHING. Way too much!

#4 No really I’m allergic to people

Seriously I am. If could use that excuse I would! But, when I’m in a social situation people other than my familia a red alert goes off in my head.

#5 My worst fear is judgement 

Don’t even get me started on this one. You don’t need me to tell you where this one is going.

#6 The biggie: avoiding social situations

I would love to hang out with someone without wanting to run away or make excuses why I can’t go. I don’t want to have to stay away from social situations like the plague. I just want to have what others do. To do things and not over think what I say, or the way my body is or how much every nerve in my body is telling me to run.

I want to be free.

If you enjoyed this post don’t forget to show me with a like. Or if you really liked it and it helped in any way please do give it a share around! You’re amazing and we will get through this together!

5 Things anxious people shouldn’t do, but do it anyway!

You know what I’m talking about, right? Those habits we slide into when we’re nervous. The I know-I-really- shouldn’t do ¬†it but I just can’t quite stop myself. Well, here it is. These are 5 things I think anxious people do when they know they shouldn’t.

#1 Compare Ourselves

You can’t say you haven’t done this while scrolling down your Facebook feed. Admittedly, secretly jealous of the one who is always posting pictures of themselves somewhere exotic. You know the type.

It makes us feel like crap, but we still do it! Don’t think you can blag, you have done it once or twice.

We’re either trying to squeeze ourselves into a different person’s shoes. We’re not attractive enough, not as confident…la deedar. Or the complete opposite – as if we are in a competition of who’s worse off. Hello why would you even want that?

#2 Procrastinate

This blog is proof. We will find just about anything. A-N-Y-THING. Than to either face the decision on our doorstep or to do the thing we actually are afraid of.

So we would rather put off the decision until, it is staring us in the face. We’d much prefer to deal with something later, sound familiar?

#3 Over think

I’m telling ya, if you’re mind was a screen you would be creating pretty dramatic movies. There is no end in thinking of all the scenarios that could happen. Vivid images keep zooming through your mind of all the worst case scenarios. Soon your mind is tongue-tied.

#4 Research like Sherlock Holmes

This is why Facebook is so bad or really good. Ever checked someone on Facebook before meeting them – I have¬†¬†haven’t. Looked through their timeline so you could be prepared of what to talk about. Ever researched so much into symptoms that you make yourself paranoid?

Basically spending a lot of time researching before making a decision.

#5 Hide

How many of us would rather hide than answer the front door? In a supermarket when you see someone you know? Pretend you didn’t hear something so that you don’t have to take part? Spent too long in the toilet because you didn’t want to go outside? A hedgehog defense mechanism of rolling into a ball when danger strikes.

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