Anxiety Diaries: 26th February 2015

Today I pretty much feel like Madonna. And I’m not talking about me singing a Madonna Glee style mash-up with a hairbrush in a mirror which wouldn’t really be that weird considering we have got up to that point in society where we know we all do it (Lizzie McGuire movie style). Of course I’m referring to…[cough] oh sorry you didn’t get that? Let’s just say Edna Mode (Incredibles – Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about) was right about the whole no capes thing.

As I watched (ex-theatre student here), saw that she couldn’t undo the tie around her neck. (If you haven’t heard or seen it, Madonna had a costume/performance malfunction.) I had this feeling that something was going to go wrong or at the very least out of time. It did. The dancers pulled her back and the lady went flying. Now I wasn’t going to talk about this. Because somehow I felt I would be adding fuel to a fire. And in the ironic sense of her lyric choice she got back up again, despite the lack of help from others. Simply amazing!

I’m still slightly afraid to be honest here. But, I too feel like I’m on pause at the moment she was in mid-air or rather hit the ground. My mind is split into two sides either give in to this low, darkness that keeps pecking at my shoulder – to the anxiety that has my thoughts annoyingly negative. Or to do something different. To find the hope. To pray and feel love. Not this crappy irritable haze that has you exhausted with your own self-hatred. I don’t want to be ‘moody’ with anyone. I’m fed up of a guilt if I don’t do this that or the other. A so intense guilt. Or to not even be able to make a decision on what I should eat – because this… that and if I eat this then it means I’m that.

The thing is people. It’s hard. Pah… way to point out the obvious. Right now give yourself a hug or rather imagine a hug from me. During my phase of excessive searching which I still do (trying to stop), I keep looking for this neat shiny answer. It’s the one in a way we all have been promised. But, we seem disappointed when we find the answer. Ourselves. Us. We are the only answer. You are the answer.

I know not the answer you were looking for, right? I felt and still struggle with it to. Can I really overcome this? In fact we often go back to the blame game or other basically Internet junk that says you will be cured if you do this…

It’s a toughie. A big humph. I suppose that’s what commercialism has taught us – if anything. But, that certainly doesn’t mean we should grumble and walk out the door. No, it’s good. We know the answer! We are it. Whether we believe it or not have the power. Don’t deny it, you know it.

So, for instance tonight I had the choice to host a pity party for one. To let my low moods engulf me. To not write. Right, now I may not feel perfect. I can’t deny that I don’t feel guilty for not ‘doing everything’. Or that I still feel uncomfortable and awkward when I talked to people today for over an hour.

That I haven’t got or job yet. Judged that I don’t have one. Stuck in my house because of all these emotions. So, there is a lot on my imperfect list. I know my mind goes over them every day. But, I’m moving forward, even if I don’t really believe it. Hey, I talked to people. I wrote this post. You remember too that the little things count. In fact you will realise, to you they weren’t little at all. Too often do we think we have to get over big fears instantly. Here’s the thing, we don’t!

Basically do what Madonna did! Get back up and give it your all!!

If you had a fun ride give it a like. If you would like to take this rollercoaster somewhere else then share it! Hope this helps and that you are having a great day!

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