19 Quite Frankly Shameful Reasons I Don’t Want To Turn 19 Tomorrow

  1. Normality called. According to him/her I have an unfathomable list of expectations that I feel I can’t reach (probably because I have short arms)
  2. I just really don’t want to be 19. Like really. Anyone want a swapsees
  3. Seriously did I just blink through my childhood? Gosh, I wish I could change those socially scaring memories that make me feel totally behind.
  4. Is it weird to say I don’t feel I deserve to get older? Like there is some weird test where you have had to done all these things to be 19. Yep just me. Got it!
  5. That I’m trying to make this list somewhat humorous in attempt to protect myself from the thought and the pointless running feeling in my veins. I will try to be serious now…
  6. I feel guilty
  7. I have watched my older sister at this age seen her thrive, have good friends, no social anxiety. Want to fly the nest and all the experiences someone my age should have. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel these years are always hers. I don’t feel real that it’s my turn in them.
  8. I haven’t done most things that even a 13 year-old does without thinking i.e. going shopping with friends, cinema etc. It’s embarrassing!
  9. For goodness sake I’m just so ashamed and humiliated that I still hang on to my parents like a child. Can I feel anymore of an outsider/loser to my generation?
  10. I want to stop it. Shield myself from tomorrow. But I can’t and will never be able to.
  11. I feel like I’m late growing up. Like I had a serious delay because of my years of social anxiety in high school. It’s like I’m learning social skills from the ground up. That makes me feel awkward and laced with a guilt that makes me socially unacceptable.
  12. Frankly I’m crapping myself scared.
  13. This makes me wish even the smallest bit that I lived in Neverland (the Disney version not Once Upon A Timers)
  14. I’ve meant to have grown up. Is it possible to grow up in a matter of hours? Wait aren’t I meant to have ‘grown up’.
  15. I feel ashamed of myself because I look 15 perhaps younger. Let alone 18 – now 19. I can’t deal with the surprised faces!
  16. A year from now I’m 20 :O Just think about that aaaaahhh!!!
  17. I hate the feeling you get when your birthday is about to end. It’s like birthday withdrawal. Yes I’m conflicted.
  18. Where has the magic gone?
  19. I have just, nope I haven’t even got used to 18 yet.

I thought I would share this list with you guys. Does anyone else feel the same? Please LIKE or SHARE or COMMENT especially if you want more posts like this! Love you all so much – I mean really. I hope whatever storm passes that I can at least equip you with something whether its comfort, words, sharing relatable things that will help you get through it. Love & hugs 🙂

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Poem: Inner Chaos

I’m

f
a
l
L
E

N N

G
__ in the down
Into a b-R-O-k-E-n compression
I seep in minute confession, session
Creaky ticks – – -of mental tricks
Singed letters that in creaky blindness tell not truths
____________Invisible sentences brand like paper cramping in fire drippin

G into me,

a current that lights my mind with a familiar strange darkness…
Sadness a there. A you. Complicated, confusing through and through.
I think… I think Incessant. Persistent fathom. Real. Not real. A circle of unknowing listed sincerities or treacheries.

 Where am I?

Here’s what I used to be. The me.

I am neither here or nor there but, yesterday, tomorrow or an hour away.
>CavE< Caving chest, my chest caving. Inward further, further

I hoped you enjoyed the poem and felt that in some way you could relate to the feeling of the words. I couldn’t quite format the way I did on word, but that’s as close as I can get. If you LIKE it please remember to show me below 🙂 Your very welcome to SHARE it too. Love & hugs xx

Why I Am/ Was Scared of Going Abroad part 2

Now that I have lazily or fearfully put off writing this post of what I overcame. My memories of the holiday as they always do are slipping fast to only a few pictures and key moments in my now whizzing mind. Normally this is the time where all the negative stuff almost reclaim their throne. Yes, I will admit that I have emotional break-downy things to overcome and overcome some more. But it’s time to make myself see the things I did.

The first thing I realised when I came home. Where everything physically felt shrunk and day-back from holiday weird. I realised that when I was there the feeling of depression hadn’t been. Yes I hadn’t been perfect, but I didn’t have this pressure in my head. The cloud which had no wind to blow it away. Momentarily dissipated. It was a revelation. If anything it was hope. Depression had lied to me. It told me that there was no way I could shake it off and although on the days after it was darkness gripping me. I knew maybe not now or tomorrow or days away that there was hope.

To make it easier here is a list of some of the things I challenged myself to do and somewhat overcame. For those who need it most the deepest fears I had that didn’t come true.

  •  I have to speak perfect Spanish – 4 or so years ago got an A* in Spanish. The fact they spoke Spanish on Tenerife put a great perfectionist weight on my shoulders. I was anxious everyday running towards it. Spending light-headed moments on duolingo. Angry when I recognised a word but didn’t know what I meant. I felt this such an intense shame for not being ‘fluent’, memories fragmented and nearly useless vocab. With every day drawing the pressure mounted. It felt wretched, disgraced at myself. I became obsessive, but also procrastinator in fear. It was confusing. Conflicted. I had to be fluent in Spanish otherwise… I will humiliate myself? People will look down on me? Stupid? Thoughts went in more complex and horrible urges took hold. The days before going I decided to come away from it. That I would be ok. How did I overcome this? I know I have still a way to go. But even just remembering that I get nervous speaking in English made me feel more accomplished. I always spoke to the cashier in Spanish. I managed to order several things in Spanish a few times. Saying buenos dias the airport lady as I came in. And other small things along the way. I overcame a bit of my perfectionism on Spanish ( my accent was not the best because I was nervous, but that’s ok). I realised that you only really need hello, please and thank you anyway – they spoke English first sometimes. It’s good to try. Social phobias and challenging them in Spanish!
  • I have emetaphobia, I’m going to be sick. I will get sunstroke. Yep I wasn’t sick. Although at one hot point I got really upset my fear was quite intense – it was very hot. The feeling of it felt uncomfortable on the skin and powerful thoughts on sunstroke. With help and new perspective I managed to calm myself. I didn’t get sunstroke or food poisoning or became ill.
  • I can’t cope in the heat. What if I become sick or… I am a Winter/Spring/Autumn but not Summer girl. I still wouldn’t say I love or like the heat. I still covered up as much as I could. This time (a challenge) I was in summery clothes rather than my comfy hoodies. I went outside. I challenged myself to go out on short periods in the sun i.e. walks.
  • Doing my own thang. I accepted that I could be me. That I am entitled also to do the things and I want to do. That I don’t have to feel chained to this invisible social obligation. That I can sit and read in the shade while the others sunbathe.
  • My IBS is going to be so bad. If you don’t know what IBS is it is irritable bowel syndrome – google it if you want all the eewwy details. I was scared that it was going to be bad. Perhaps that it would lead to embarrassment in front of everyone. That I won’t be able to eat much because of it on and on. Yes as it has been this past year my IBS was annoying. However, I still managed to keep going. I still managed to eat regularly.
  • Buffet >germs>bacteria>food poisoning my mind was certain I was going to get food poisoning. I didn’t. Although I avoided some foods, I did manage to challenge myself to eat meat on few occasions. Big step!
  • I’m not going to be able to get to sleep like last time – I have to sleep. I had trouble the first night getting to sleep with anxiety zooming into as soon as I hit the pillow. But as the days went on I fell asleep much better!
  • What do I say? Do they think I’m weird? Not everyone gets IT. For me knowing what to say when I feel like every word is judged – that I would rather run away from people. Starting conversations is hard for me. But I got along with people well and made it a challenge to speak to everyone at the hen do.
  • I will become overwhelmed by my anxiety. One of the biggest the fear of fear itself! There were times where I did feel overwhelmed. But I don’t think it matches up to the sheer scale in my imagination. Not that you can visualise it. You just know that it will be the worst thing in the world!

Of course there were other bitty overcomings. But I don’t want to throw too much at you. If you liked it please remember to give it a thumbs up. Do tell me the things that you overcome on holiday or want to. Loves and hugs 🙂

Why I Am/Was Scared of Going Abroad

As a general rule “I’m going on holiday!” is followed with some excessive gloating and a daily conversation involving a countdown till the day you finally jet off to an exotic paradise.

But that’s what ‘normal’ people do and think. They get excited. Rub it in everyones’ faces like a mum forcefully applying suncream. Fake rather unsubtly that they wish the person they’re talking to can come. Talk about getting a tan while prodding at their arm or unattractivly bearing their leg against another’s. Perhaps get another bottle of Fake Bake at Boots. Secretly enjoy when they make people envious of their BIG trip away.

Then there is me. Scared to go on holiday. Anxious. And if you asked me what about, I would either give you an overwhelming list that I would still feel I left something out or have a bit of a teary tomato faced breakdown where I cry out “EVERYTHING!”. I suppose it would depend on how you asked me.

Either way even the thought of going away terrified me. So much so I tried to rather unsuccessfully block it from my mind a few times. Go through a million different scenarios which consisted off daydreams of my worst fears.

So let’s get at least some of these fears down on-screen [stretches out fingers]. Honestly, for a long time I have feared sunny warm days. So, when I was invited to go to Tenerife for my cousin’s hen do. You could say I was reluctant. But I knew I ought to say yes. What would my mum think, my sister think if I said I couldn’t go? Would my cousin think I’m strange that I don’t care? Saying no was never an option (I feel as if I have to say yes majority of the time, people pleaser).

As of part 1 I will tell you first of what I was afraid of about going abroad. Most of these I have still got quite a bit further before I can feel I have overcome it.

I don’t know whether it is from year’s of bad associations. My basic knowledge of psychology would say yes. But, in the summer the warm weather just would make me shrink. The insane sheet brightness of summer midday would make my heart sink.

The big question what is it about a summer day that fills my head with anger and my chest with a tight knot? One big thing is my emetophobia. I imagined myself over again fainting with dehydration and having to go to a Spanish speaking hospital. I would vividly picture myself getting heatstroke. Almost feeling the sensations and the worst feeling of all a slight gagging with the power of my imagination.

One of emetophobics favorite words buffets. The booking involved all inclusive food. I also had nightmarish daydreams of getting a serious case of food poisoning by eating meat. I’m not kidding these thoughts are breaking. They conflict your mind like your reflection in a shattered mirror. There is a certainty to your head role-played events. They feel like they are going to happen. If you have ever felt a sense of doom when you felt anxious you will get what I mean.

Summer is a vulnerable time for me. It always has been. I feel exposed when wearing less when its hot (but have to because it’s so freakin hot), but I will still try and wear a hoodie and a jacket as long as bearable. Because when I don’t have them on, I feel like this gangly spider (this does not connote that I’m tall by the way), a stiff awkwardness and embarrassing nakedness. I’m nervous that I will sweat. So, I keep layers on so if I do it will be harder to see.

Plus, I burn. Stand outside in the heat for 2 seconds, burn. To go outside I need factor 50+ suncream and I hate the feel of it on my skin. Eeew! Yuck it feels slabbery and horrible. Get that imaginary suncream off me!

Summer is this romanticized notion. I have always wanted to live it and love it just as teens do in cheesy American movies. But now I’m out of school that dream is finally D-E dead. It brought with it a social expectation. Which ding-a-ling is another issue for the teen girl who didn’t realise she had social anxiety. For me who had always felt the most unteenagry and weirdest little person for not wanting to ‘hang out’ with friends in the summer because I was deathly terrified. The max social outing without my family perhaps would be 1 I the whole 6 weeks and that would probs because my Dad would pester me about it. I didn’t want him to think that I was a total strange bean.

Summer has a habit of bringing all your insecurities up. Like springing daisies. It was a magnifying glass comparing me the social leaf to the social butterflies. It makes me feel socially pathetic. A hedgehog curled in it ball, squeezing its ears shut as to not hear any social invitations.

Where I live you are likely to get bitten alive by mosquitoes. And the blood sucking bugs have given me huge lumps on my legs! Hump! Summer is isolation where I feel I can’t go outside. Where I don’t feel safe outside. I’m my own jailer, and many a school summer has consisted of me alone in the house. Which is really embarrassing to talk about to be honest.

It’s generally feeling uncomfortable. Too hot without anything to take off to cool yourself down. It’s checking and worrying about the temperature. It is getting angry when people say how much they like summer.

For me over a bunch of years Summer, going abroad has been a lingering doom in anticipation. A storm gathering in the spring. I don’t think I can do justice in words just how powerful the fear is. Just how intense and judged you feel by others. That you have to fit in with the social norm of liking summer/hot weather. To like damaging your skin by literally cooking yourself. Another thing, the scary intense heat of the sun searing into my skin. It literally makes me run into the shadows.

All these thoughts and feelings which I am sure there is plenty more of! I have challenged in some way or form. So I will talk about that in my next post. If you feel the same way please let me know. I feel as if this is only me!

I realised I have just gone on about my fear of heat and hot weather rather than my other anxieties. One being having a breakdown, not being able to cope. Next post I will write a list haha.

Please comment if and like if you feel the same way. I feel as if I’m the only one like this!

All the love and hugs! Hope you are having a good day! 🙂 xx