Your life is in your hands

Hello Anxiety…

It’s just turned 9 o’clock or if you’re being specific 9:03. Before I sat at my desk to look out the window which was holding the brisk blue morning outside, I was nearly exploding with ideas to write. Now that I have had a shower and sat down, you have guessed it – they have gone. But, here is something I wrote some days ago when it just felt like everything was crumbling over me…

Is this ever going to end?

I can’t cope anymore. 

I am trapped here. Stuck in this nervousness by the tense walls of my body. Each muscle is fringed and pulling away from me. I don’t think I can take this much longer. I feel sick. Oh no – I feel sick. I feel sick! I am so afraid. It’s getting worse! Stop making it worse. Calm DOWN. 

Perhaps I can’t. What if I can’t calm down? 

I am not going to calm down. Another sloshed wave of nausea hits. I panic. I don’t know what to do. Why is this happening to me? I want it to go away and never come back. Gosh, why did I have to be like this? 

Too soon I become aware of every negative thought. It numbs me, controls me. Stops me from wanting to fight. I took punch after punch. In the ring in my mind anxiety was winning. I couldn’t get up. Just lay there on the floor taking blow after blow, thought after thought. I was bowing in submission. I felt too weak with the tension which has plagued me for weeks. Memories of anxiety relentlessly flashing in front of my eyes, trying to make me feel as though I was reliving the same moment. It was at night. It’s night now etc. I had enough of always feeling this way.

In some way it was like I was predicting my own prophecy. A prophecy that in reality or written down was warped, distorted and blurred by something other than myself. Where can I go? 

Somehow you feel like you are scrambling in a pit slick with mud. You are trying to reach the top, but you keep sliding down. Last night was not the best. But, it was not the worst either, however tempting it is to say so. I managed to control myself. Even though right now there is a voice in my ear telling me I didn’t. But, I did. 

So ok everything wasn’t suddenly sunshine and rainbows – though I would love to have that any day. Simply by playing with my dog, taking a shower, reading, watching some funny TV (not depressing TV – keep in mind it has to make you laugh) did help. Now if you are anything like me, you are sceptic. Or maybe it is that voice telling you as it did me – nothing is going to work. Don’t bother even trying it. It is all about what is best for you – not me or everyone else – just you. I suppose trying is better than nothing. It is the hope that says we can get through this. At the beginning of the night I was at my wits end. It told me I wouldn’t survive this. How could I go on living like this? Having so much stress in my body. And although I am a bit shaken up by last night, I got through so can you. 

So, whether you are just having a really crappy day, woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or  really worried about the day ahead, try to find what it is you enjoy that will take at least the edge off.

You don’t always feel the same everyday. To me it is sometimes having these stretches of days may be more when ‘it’ has control of me and like a puppet I move with it until, I eventually break and fall like cascading dominoes.  Then after these times it is like a weird limbo. Everything you felt doesn’t feel as heightened now. And what felt like long anxious ‘I can’t cope’ anymore days have become a blurred memory you keep trying to get a hold of. This is not saying I don’t feel anxious, just not as scarily so.

But, even though I felt my body was going without me. I was tense all the time and confused as to how to stop it. The good thing is that I feel a bit better now. Because the reality is that my life was put in my own hands. Just like yours is. It was not put in the hands of your friends, your family, your bank, your job, your school or a bully. It was put in yours. Accept that it is going to take time to feel less anxious. But, remember that being anxious is up to you. Like it was up to me on that night. And although perhaps I still wasn’t the most relaxed, by trying to retake control I was taking one step out of many more.

So, as you head wherever you are going today. Try to take another step. Today is your day. Grab it because you can.

The Truth To Understanding Anxiety

The page is blank. It is staring at you, you are staring at it. You have everything and anything to say, yet the words cannot be found here. Your hand is not scrawling letters and your fingertips are not hitting the keyboard. Still you wait. Your brow deep in a frown, the clock barely moving and eyes blinking the same white. You wait some more.

You are frustrated. Why can’t I say what I want? Why can I not write? Are the thoughts, questions that go through your head. You need to get this done, you can’t get distracted now. No, distractions this time.

You must keep looking at the page. You have to keep asking yourself the same thing over and over until the first few words spring out and darken the all-white page.

What is stopping you? Is it boredom? Is it that TV show you are missing? Is it confusion or is it fear?
Fear stops us. First words are daunting, because it is the same as breaking silence only in written form. We are afraid to look in the mirror for what we imagine ourselves to look like rather than what we appear to be.

You have experienced this. I have experienced this. It is human.

Yet so many people don’t understand the same fear which drives anxiety? You say of course I understand anxiety, everyone gets anxiety. And it’s true, everyone experiences nervousness from sitting in an exam to being asked questions in your first job interview. Everyone gets anxious.
But what if that spike of nerves or that instinct to run hit you every day? Like the blank piece of paper you are always staring it down, because you can’t think of the words, you can’t find the solution or the cure to heal your fears.

What is it like living with ‘anxiety’?

It is obvious. Not easy. Imagine yourself not being able to go out the house, because when you go out you feel judged by others. It is like when you walk into the room where people have been clearly talking about you. It is that uncomforting feeling that follows you wherever you go.
It is feeling useless. You are told you are not, but you feel it anyway. Because you have told it to yourself a thousand times that you believe it.

Anxiety is limitless. It is unique it is you.

It is the label tied around your neck that makes you feel different when you are similar and similar when you are different.

It is an excuse, but it is also a truth.

It is fueled by doubts, dominated by question and powered by fear.