A story and a little bit about me

Hello Anxiety…

It appears that I can’t get away from you. Even if I cover my eyes with my hands, I can still see you seep in through the cracks.

You see this anxiety thing is like those school kids who jumped out at you in the corridor. At the same time you did and you didn’t expect it. Though you flinch enough as you roll your eyes to give them a laugh.

So to anyone who can hear my voice, however small it may be. Please come close and listen. Now, I shall tell you today’s story…

Today’s story is simple. Yet for me it is far from it! I suppose it’s like acceptance. It should only work in one way, but rather is shown to work in many.

But first I should start at the very beginning – the todays before today. The thing every good storyteller knows about, but is too daunting to approach first (sometimes ironically). So I guess that means you need to know more about me. **Takes a deep breath. So, have a seat and read. Perhaps grab a bag of popcorn. No I’m kidding, it’s really not that interesting – though I’m sure it would be if you imagined some dramatic trailer music in the background with your lights dimmed down. So grab that bag of popcorn. I recommend sweet over salted – salted blah.

I won’t tell you too much. I like the whole anonymity thing I have going on. Makes me feel like a modern Charlotte Bronte (who so happens to be my fave authoress). It also means as an anxious person who normally is anxious to post on Facebook let alone a blog can be as honest as possible.

So, number 1 I have just managed to survive and escape the chaotic jungle that so called adults like to call ‘high school’. Or as we call it ‘Sixth Form’. Yes, as soon as I could dart out those doors, never see those teachers again or have to be worried about nearly being as small as a year 8, I did. And boy am I glad about finally being free (I will save the exams for another story). Number 2, I am a teen writer. Well I suppose those are two things really don’t need much explaining. And lastly number 3 I have suffered anxiety for a while now and done 1 round of CBT.

Now, back to today’s story. Like I said it is simple. I got up and about. I was happy enough then BAM after watching the Emma Watson film The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I suddenly just felt depressed. Again my veins feel as if they are weighing down in me and I am getting irritated at everything (and that is not just because I’m a teenager).

I haven’t really got a conclusion for this today but this. All through these previous years. Where like everyone at some point in high school feels judged. I felt it the most. For me and for you it may be different. But, a lot of my anxiety comes from judgement. I care more about what others think than myself. However, if there is one thing positive I can say about this is that I have somehow managed to conquer that even if it is just a sliver by being able to post this. To where you – yeh you – the world can see!

Your life is in your hands

Hello Anxiety…

It’s just turned 9 o’clock or if you’re being specific 9:03. Before I sat at my desk to look out the window which was holding the brisk blue morning outside, I was nearly exploding with ideas to write. Now that I have had a shower and sat down, you have guessed it – they have gone. But, here is something I wrote some days ago when it just felt like everything was crumbling over me…

Is this ever going to end?

I can’t cope anymore. 

I am trapped here. Stuck in this nervousness by the tense walls of my body. Each muscle is fringed and pulling away from me. I don’t think I can take this much longer. I feel sick. Oh no – I feel sick. I feel sick! I am so afraid. It’s getting worse! Stop making it worse. Calm DOWN. 

Perhaps I can’t. What if I can’t calm down? 

I am not going to calm down. Another sloshed wave of nausea hits. I panic. I don’t know what to do. Why is this happening to me? I want it to go away and never come back. Gosh, why did I have to be like this? 

Too soon I become aware of every negative thought. It numbs me, controls me. Stops me from wanting to fight. I took punch after punch. In the ring in my mind anxiety was winning. I couldn’t get up. Just lay there on the floor taking blow after blow, thought after thought. I was bowing in submission. I felt too weak with the tension which has plagued me for weeks. Memories of anxiety relentlessly flashing in front of my eyes, trying to make me feel as though I was reliving the same moment. It was at night. It’s night now etc. I had enough of always feeling this way.

In some way it was like I was predicting my own prophecy. A prophecy that in reality or written down was warped, distorted and blurred by something other than myself. Where can I go? 

Somehow you feel like you are scrambling in a pit slick with mud. You are trying to reach the top, but you keep sliding down. Last night was not the best. But, it was not the worst either, however tempting it is to say so. I managed to control myself. Even though right now there is a voice in my ear telling me I didn’t. But, I did. 

So ok everything wasn’t suddenly sunshine and rainbows – though I would love to have that any day. Simply by playing with my dog, taking a shower, reading, watching some funny TV (not depressing TV – keep in mind it has to make you laugh) did help. Now if you are anything like me, you are sceptic. Or maybe it is that voice telling you as it did me – nothing is going to work. Don’t bother even trying it. It is all about what is best for you – not me or everyone else – just you. I suppose trying is better than nothing. It is the hope that says we can get through this. At the beginning of the night I was at my wits end. It told me I wouldn’t survive this. How could I go on living like this? Having so much stress in my body. And although I am a bit shaken up by last night, I got through so can you. 

So, whether you are just having a really crappy day, woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning or  really worried about the day ahead, try to find what it is you enjoy that will take at least the edge off.

You don’t always feel the same everyday. To me it is sometimes having these stretches of days may be more when ‘it’ has control of me and like a puppet I move with it until, I eventually break and fall like cascading dominoes.  Then after these times it is like a weird limbo. Everything you felt doesn’t feel as heightened now. And what felt like long anxious ‘I can’t cope’ anymore days have become a blurred memory you keep trying to get a hold of. This is not saying I don’t feel anxious, just not as scarily so.

But, even though I felt my body was going without me. I was tense all the time and confused as to how to stop it. The good thing is that I feel a bit better now. Because the reality is that my life was put in my own hands. Just like yours is. It was not put in the hands of your friends, your family, your bank, your job, your school or a bully. It was put in yours. Accept that it is going to take time to feel less anxious. But, remember that being anxious is up to you. Like it was up to me on that night. And although perhaps I still wasn’t the most relaxed, by trying to retake control I was taking one step out of many more.

So, as you head wherever you are going today. Try to take another step. Today is your day. Grab it because you can.