As a general rule “I’m going on holiday!” is followed with some excessive gloating and a daily conversation involving a countdown till the day you finally jet off to an exotic paradise.
But that’s what ‘normal’ people do and think. They get excited. Rub it in everyones’ faces like a mum forcefully applying suncream. Fake rather unsubtly that they wish the person they’re talking to can come. Talk about getting a tan while prodding at their arm or unattractivly bearing their leg against another’s. Perhaps get another bottle of Fake Bake at Boots. Secretly enjoy when they make people envious of their BIG trip away.
Then there is me. Scared to go on holiday. Anxious. And if you asked me what about, I would either give you an overwhelming list that I would still feel I left something out or have a bit of a teary tomato faced breakdown where I cry out “EVERYTHING!”. I suppose it would depend on how you asked me.
Either way even the thought of going away terrified me. So much so I tried to rather unsuccessfully block it from my mind a few times. Go through a million different scenarios which consisted off daydreams of my worst fears.
So let’s get at least some of these fears down on-screen [stretches out fingers]. Honestly, for a long time I have feared sunny warm days. So, when I was invited to go to Tenerife for my cousin’s hen do. You could say I was reluctant. But I knew I ought to say yes. What would my mum think, my sister think if I said I couldn’t go? Would my cousin think I’m strange that I don’t care? Saying no was never an option (I feel as if I have to say yes majority of the time, people pleaser).
As of part 1 I will tell you first of what I was afraid of about going abroad. Most of these I have still got quite a bit further before I can feel I have overcome it.
I don’t know whether it is from year’s of bad associations. My basic knowledge of psychology would say yes. But, in the summer the warm weather just would make me shrink. The insane sheet brightness of summer midday would make my heart sink.
The big question what is it about a summer day that fills my head with anger and my chest with a tight knot? One big thing is my emetophobia. I imagined myself over again fainting with dehydration and having to go to a Spanish speaking hospital. I would vividly picture myself getting heatstroke. Almost feeling the sensations and the worst feeling of all a slight gagging with the power of my imagination.
One of emetophobics favorite words buffets. The booking involved all inclusive food. I also had nightmarish daydreams of getting a serious case of food poisoning by eating meat. I’m not kidding these thoughts are breaking. They conflict your mind like your reflection in a shattered mirror. There is a certainty to your head role-played events. They feel like they are going to happen. If you have ever felt a sense of doom when you felt anxious you will get what I mean.
Summer is a vulnerable time for me. It always has been. I feel exposed when wearing less when its hot (but have to because it’s so freakin hot), but I will still try and wear a hoodie and a jacket as long as bearable. Because when I don’t have them on, I feel like this gangly spider (this does not connote that I’m tall by the way), a stiff awkwardness and embarrassing nakedness. I’m nervous that I will sweat. So, I keep layers on so if I do it will be harder to see.
Plus, I burn. Stand outside in the heat for 2 seconds, burn. To go outside I need factor 50+ suncream and I hate the feel of it on my skin. Eeew! Yuck it feels slabbery and horrible. Get that imaginary suncream off me!
Summer is this romanticized notion. I have always wanted to live it and love it just as teens do in cheesy American movies. But now I’m out of school that dream is finally D-E dead. It brought with it a social expectation. Which ding-a-ling is another issue for the teen girl who didn’t realise she had social anxiety. For me who had always felt the most unteenagry and weirdest little person for not wanting to ‘hang out’ with friends in the summer because I was deathly terrified. The max social outing without my family perhaps would be 1 I the whole 6 weeks and that would probs because my Dad would pester me about it. I didn’t want him to think that I was a total strange bean.
Summer has a habit of bringing all your insecurities up. Like springing daisies. It was a magnifying glass comparing me the social leaf to the social butterflies. It makes me feel socially pathetic. A hedgehog curled in it ball, squeezing its ears shut as to not hear any social invitations.
Where I live you are likely to get bitten alive by mosquitoes. And the blood sucking bugs have given me huge lumps on my legs! Hump! Summer is isolation where I feel I can’t go outside. Where I don’t feel safe outside. I’m my own jailer, and many a school summer has consisted of me alone in the house. Which is really embarrassing to talk about to be honest.
It’s generally feeling uncomfortable. Too hot without anything to take off to cool yourself down. It’s checking and worrying about the temperature. It is getting angry when people say how much they like summer.
For me over a bunch of years Summer, going abroad has been a lingering doom in anticipation. A storm gathering in the spring. I don’t think I can do justice in words just how powerful the fear is. Just how intense and judged you feel by others. That you have to fit in with the social norm of liking summer/hot weather. To like damaging your skin by literally cooking yourself. Another thing, the scary intense heat of the sun searing into my skin. It literally makes me run into the shadows.
All these thoughts and feelings which I am sure there is plenty more of! I have challenged in some way or form. So I will talk about that in my next post. If you feel the same way please let me know. I feel as if this is only me!
I realised I have just gone on about my fear of heat and hot weather rather than my other anxieties. One being having a breakdown, not being able to cope. Next post I will write a list haha.
Please comment if and like if you feel the same way. I feel as if I’m the only one like this!
All the love and hugs! Hope you are having a good day! 🙂 xx