7 Reasons I can’t Stop Talking About My Mental Health

I know it’s not the same for everyone. No two people will ever experience something in exactly the same way. But for me in relation to family chats or having a natter to myself/ self chat. I can’t get this stuff out of my mind.

Ok ‘stuff’ isn’t the most useful word. It’s sounds as if I’m shoving cotton wool or something in my head. But somehow on screen it manages to pretentiously shrink all my problems into an insignificant word. It has some teenagery magical properties to it!

From the moment I wake up at 6:40 every morning to the dreaded don’t-feel-accomplished night. All I can talk, think, breathe and make conversations (to the family, I’m still in society’s closed book thing) about is… trying to find the right word for it… thoughts? Err no. Depression… yes but not quite. Anxiety?

Apparently I can’t stop and even though I’ve tried not to speak about it. It’s tempting as… No it’s pretty tempting! Anyway I think the people around me have had enough.

So here we are then! Basically 7 reasons why I can’t stop talking about my myself  mental health:

1. In the mental world I’m on a battlefield

When you’re on the battlefield you need allies, right? If you go it alone, you may as well wave that white flag or return that crown back to the jewelers (if you can find the receipt). Because with allies you’re more likely to win (this can include yourself by the way). I need you’re assurance that you’re in it with me!

2. I’m not being annoying, I’m just as confused as you are.

I know I talk about it a lot.  Yes, it looks selfish. But I’m just hurting. And I wish I didn’t feel the urge to seek reassurance. It’s frustrating for you because you don’t fully understand. Guess what? I don’t either. I’m just as confused if not more than you.

3. It’s kind of hard to ignore pain

If someone is in a lot of pain physically. Say, this chap has broken his leg. You might forgive them for talking about it (all the time) or not concentrating on your story of your hard day at work. It’s the same for me.

Instead, it’s this constant inward pain in my heart, an intoxicating mind hum. It is both inward and outward pain. Inward is the most excruciating.

4. When you tell me not to think about it – IT’S ALL I CAN FLIPPING THINK ABOUT!

Has you’re therapist done the whole if I said don’t think about a pink elephant riding a unicycle thing? Knowing that you would thing exactly that. Yeh, the same thing.

5. This is the loneliest place

Yeh I talk about it, perhaps you think too much. But, it gives me this intense lonely ache in my heart. Like I’m constantly on a deserted island without Captain Jack Sparrow and his secret rum stash (I don’t drink anyway) or some sea turtles that I can strap myself to and escape anxiety and depression AT LAST. If you haven’t seen Pirates of the Caribbean you might be a little at sea here!

6. I just want your help

I only want assurance. When everything feels like its floating away from me and I have nothing to cling onto other than someone’s words to soothe me. Everything feels questionable. For pity sakes! I can’t even decide whether to have porridge or cereal for breakfast!

7. Listen, I’m trying to explain

I say it again and again because I don’t feel like you’re listening. I do it because I so desperately want or need you to understand. Not exactly what I’m ‘going through’ (haven’t we said that enough!), but me. I’m scared. Like really scared.

And if I don’t explain it to you I fear it will get worse. That I will explode.

It is a human need to feel understood. A very natural urge indeed.

Hi Everyone! Thank you for reading my post! If you liked it and felt that it helped or you can relate remember to LIKE & SHARE. I hope you are having a good day. And that if anything I’ve provided you a bit of hope. Our storms will pass! Love you 🙂 xx

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5 Bits & Bobs Blogfection Has Taught Me

Are you a blogfectionist?

[Warning: potential eye-roll hazard] Perhaps you could call my blend of the words perfectionist and blog quite dramatic. Maybe you even eye-rolled at the title, thinking in your head why does there have to be a word for everything in this world? But you’re still reading, hey? Got ya, so you must believe that it exists or at least the idea is true.

In a sense you would be right. I’m just as cynical as you are. The word does make me cringe a bit. But, having a word for something makes it less cloud thinking and more the concrete you’re walking on. You can feel it and understand it. So, I thought it would be fitting to write this post since I haven’t posted for a while. And honestly here is probably the reason why!

These are the bits & bobs being a blogfectionist has taught me:

1. I’d rather not be a blogfectionist

Bit No.1. I’m a perfectionist. Ooo what a surprise! Bet you didn’t guess that, right? But, I hate it. If you have already read all my other stuff (if not have a nosey) you would know I have social anxiety. So, when I’m writing a post I feel like I have left a bit of my heart out for people to stare and judge. That scares me a lot.

My anxieties in general have driven me into this everything needs to be perfect atttidude. Which obviously isn’t helpful. At the end of the day writing one blog post is better than a ‘perfect’ post that will never be published, right?

2. Yeh when I said 5 minutes what I really meant was an ENTIRE day

Now for a Bob!

Spending too long on everything because, there is always that stupid back-of-head-voice saying that it’s not good enough. That you need to be better. That it must be better. People are going to judge it.

You’re like that little dog in Mulan chasing the stick. The feeling that tells you something is not quite there.

Lesson learnt: sometimes by doing it in the moment you can create pure magic!

3. May be I should just look at what everyone else is doing then I’ll write something

There’s nothing new about comparing yourselves to others. Or the main reason why we go on a tv binge or netflix marathon…procrastination. Perhaps you’re like me and thought that anything you produced was never as good as anyone elses.

Also that for your blog to be classed as ‘good’ in the blogging dictionary you have to do what other people are doing.

Lesson learnt: by being you. By caring while not caring. You will have created something that no-one else has done before. Also stop procrastinating!

4. I have to think of something amazing before I can write my next post

This is what I’ve been really guilty off. I will now raise my hand in shame. Yep, this is me. In fact, I had read an article that in order to have a popular blog (hey, you’ve probably done it too if you’ve got a blog) to make it really specific. Basically I came up with nothing and here I am.

Lesson learnt: it’s hard when you’re blogging not to feel that you need to have such and such following you or this amount of views whatever in order for your content to have ‘good’ stamped on it. Get out of that world pool of needing numbers to satisfy you and instead think what can I give to the reader?

5. Everything must be so 

No it doesn’t. Imperfection is perfection!

So as a way to overcome this blogfection as I call it. I’m now resisting the urge to edit like a crazy lady fueled on Easter Eggs. If you L L Liked this please do hit the like button and SHARE it too. Hope you are having a good day wherever you are in the world. And if you are struggling whether you feel it’s big or small here is a HUG!

You are loved!

Being Honest

Right now I have the urge to procrastinate. Every muscle. Every thought. Every impulse is pulling me away from writing this. Whatever ‘this’ is? But like how a child clings to her mum or dad with their little arms, not wanting to let go or like those cartoons when it’s really windy and your grabbing onto a lamp-post, here I am.

So what is it that makes me sit here? Somehow destined to write ‘something’ but I don’t know what. Well let’s find out shall we.

I don’t know about you but I find it hard to be completely honest here. I’m not talking about lying or what people may call ‘hiding’. But remember I’ve been conditioned by society to be a closed book. Just like you. That it’s somehow impolite to release that darkness in hope of light.

Take one of the most annoying things that happens all the time! So, you’re  pretty depressed. Right now you’re not in the mood for people. Let alone polite society conversations. But, you have to or supposed to rather answer that question. Yeh that question. Polite but does anyone actually care? How are you?

If you’re like me. Perhaps you’re not, but let’s go with it. You feel obliged to make some effort in your response. Especially since I get so entangled in judgement, but to that stuff later. So, I have to grab around my mind for an answer. And usually I get the same one. I smile as much or as little as I can bear and say the word fine. Because after all this is just a phatic conversation or what the Americans call ‘small talk’ which purpose is to create this illusion of meeting the other persons’ needs.

Yes, an illusion. Sometimes when we ask this question to others we expect a short response too. If I’d just met you and you asked me How are you? and I said Crap, everything is going all wrong. [Sobs] I’m constantly fighting myself. My therapist says I have Social Anxiety, Generalised Anxiety, Emetophobia… Things would get really awkward very quickly. The same thing goes with blogging.

To you I haven’t gone anywhere. Well within words. But in between writing the above: I’ve survived a driving lesson which consisted mainly of information bombardment; played the indecisive food game which meant a trip to the supermarket; temporary been distracted by family coming home and have been engaged by the parade of negative thoughts stomping in my head. So you could say my flow has been trampled on. That and it left it wide open to temptation to leave this post undone.

So here is for the honesty talk – oh no [shrinks back into chair and looks blankly at the screen]. There is a certain bravery to reveal your whole self. And perhaps in this way it feels as if a more flawed version of me – because well I’m anxious and depressed. I’m not suddenly write a of list how amazing I am. You know as well as I when you have to talk about yourself when your depressed to someone your brain doesn’t even count the positives. In fact it’s like they go whoosh past our minds. It’s kind of like all the positives are hidden under some Harry Potter style invisibility cloak.

I think more than anything else. I feel choked with expectations. Society’s expectations. The ones we want to defy but then get sucked into. I’m alone most days. Even just saying that makes me feel an attention seeker. The same way sometimes I’m made to feel like when I’m talking about my anxiety.

I feel trapped in my house, yet I feel utterly powerless about it. It makes me grudging and all the things I don’t want to be made out of. I say I’m only 18 as if it would be some sort of excuse for something. I decided University was not for me. I was eager to be a writer and a young business woman.

I finished school on a very anxious note. My anxiety had just reached a new level I had never experienced before. I was totally at sea, and although I told people about my anxiety and had done some CBT it wasn’t really taken seriously by my school. So, now I know before one of my exams I experienced some form of hallucination. But before you get freaked out it was when I was asleep. Apparently I was inbetween sleep and consciousness. I was having a nightmare that I was failing my exam. I felt like I was really taking the exam, but I could also see my room. Plus the nausea was horrible, especially with my fear of being sick.

But back to the other situation. I don’t know if you are in the same position as me? Isolated. Completely isolated. I’m trying. I swear I am. Making friends when you’re socially anxious without school is difficult. Everything is up to you. You have to go searching for it. So, although I do voluntary work once a week to combat my worries. I am looking for a ‘normal’ job because that’s what I ought to do. Plus it makes conversations go flat very easily.

But I always get in a muddle when I really think about jobs. Yes you earn money. Yes that’s well and good. You need money to live in this world. But the actual reality of work is that you experience the same world over and over then to get to a hard part. We’re told by society you either go to university or get a job. Then it changes to get a job.

Then your forced into this circle for life, where most of us are just chasing money with no real happiness. Doing things we didn’t want to do, for little pay.

Anyway. The fact that I’m unemployed makes me feel tainted. Looked down on by society. I’ve nearly reached a thousand words. So, I will write another honest post soon!

I love you. And if you liked my honesty post please give it a LIKE. Please do SHARE if it will help someone else. Congratulations you have managed to get to the end of my long rant! All the love and hugs xx

4 Things You Should Know

Firstly before I put this show on the road, just a word of warning that there might be some cheesyness. Yes, when you’re talking about this stuff I’m bound to go a bit mushy gushy on you. But hey, sometimes we need that cliché in our lives. So, sit, relax and read the 4 Things You Should Know… [DRUM ROLL]

#1 You are loved my friend

I get it. Right now you might not be feeling a lot of love. Perhaps not in the classic Romeo and Juliet style (we can dream people, 90s Leo – swoon) or like one of those heart warming family movies [insert film here]. In fact at times it can feel as if our emotions block out that love which is already there, you know?

Perhaps we have given into these chattering thoughts that we’re unlovable. That we can never be truly loved. Wrong. You are loved. You are loved so deeply. Whether you feel as if you’ve got loving family and friends or not. You are loved. I love you. Now come here and give me a big cuddle [eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]. See that’s better, right?

#2 You’re not alone. Anxiety (slash mental health) is not a club of 1.

So here is where I whip out the clichés. I know. I know. I put my hands up. But it’s true.

Let’s face it, we all go through the stage where we think no-one will ever understand. It makes us angry and frustrated. That’s when we feel so alone. It (as anxiety, depression whatever it is you’re going through) tells us that we are miserably alone.

That’s a lie. You know it. Hopefully I’m proof of that. There are people who understand. Who go through the same thing. But in a weird way (in our mind) feeling generalized can be perceived as bad. Like it downplays how we feel. That ‘in reality’ we are different, special. May this is just me. If it makes any sense that’s how I first felt.

You are understood. And that is a brilliant thing!

#3 Anxiety is as useless as the toys you get from a Christmas cracker

If anxiety was a person, it would be that guy at work or school or whatever. The one where you have worked your all and this cracker has just been playing thumb wars with himself and hovering about doing nothing. How annoying, right?  That’s what anxiety does, it gets you know where.

But does anxiety ever help a situation? Does it give you anything other than drive you bananas and give you weird symptoms you then get paranoid about? No.

I know this a brain twister. But understanding that it’s nothing. That it doesn’t achieve something. Is BIG!

#4 Anything is possible

Don’t cringe when I quote “Anything is possible if you just believe,” or “Impossible to I’m possible”. Or create a mental list of thoughts to throw at me. Hear or rather read me out.

Simple, anything is possible. If you can dream it, then you can live it. It’s possible to not feel as anxious. It’s possible to be happy. It’s possible. You are possible. Your mind can easily without even thinking give you a list of reasons why you can’t do something.

Let’s pick the traditional one I’m/your not good enough. Would you say that to your friend? You wouldn’t dream of it. So, why do we put ourselves down?

I believe in you. This world’s possibilities are endless. And just when you realise that. When all those worries seem small in the large picture. When you realise that you’re not obligated to work a job you don’t want or to please someone who will never be pleased. You will be free my friend.

If you want to give this some L-O-V-E, love, give it thumbs up. If you want to spread the LOVE SHARE! Thank you for hopping on to the roller-coaster with me. I love you. And although I can’t be with you right now, I can give you a BIG HUG. Lots of love xx

Anxiety Diaries: 6th March 2015

Sometimes words can rub off on us. Give us boom-nows-my- time chill. You know what I mean, right? Well anyway sometimes that can be enough to spur those brain cogs on. Other times perhaps like now they’re going through one ear and out the other. That or like when you read those cutesy quotes you are ballooned with all this excitement. I’m not going to let anyone stop me… I can do anything. Then you’ve guessed it whether that be minutes or hours we are back to the same old same old.

Now here is going to be a collection of what I’ve learnt from the few days, I’ve clearly procrastinated from writing the blog. Speak. Not so hard is it you say?

A few days ago. I stood up in a small crowd of people and spoke. Why is that a big deal?

Whatever you choose to take from this, whether you believe in God or not. For me God had a lot to do with it. In fact, it was him who put my hand up, stand up and hold a mic. The me inside couldn’t comprehend how that happened. How I got here. Now this was it. Now I had to say something. There was no awkwardly trying to throw the mic at someone else. I had waited for this moment yet, I was frightened.

All the things I talked about saying had slipped from my noggin. I was terrified. Before my feet had been tapping in nervous anticipation. But then something happened. Words flowed elegantly from my mouth and people responded it amazingly. I had to remember the fear I felt was nothing in comparison to the fear that I was speaking for. This struggle I felt, my heart racing – the do I don’t I speak – is nothing. My prayer was answered completely.

What was I scared of? Judgement? Rejection? I have been a people pleaser all my life. I’ve always had this urge to please people, because I couldn’t stand if they judged or disliked me. That I have to eat everything to not offend someone. That I have to cover up my emotions, because it would be rude or impolite of me to do otherwise and so on and so on the list goes.

Listen to those thoughts. Yeh, I didn’t realise how ridiculous they sound either. Or rather I did, I just didn’t and don’t quite know what to do with them. Years in quotes and stuff people say ‘be yourself’. And I’ve been like yeh that’s so true. Yet in social situations found it hard to find myself, a version that’s not just acting for the other person.

It’s amazing to know that you can be you! It’s simple but it’s weird just how much you can forget it. You have a voice. Own it! Be it! Your voice is just as important as anyone else’s.

If something is coming up in your life that you need a bit of courage for, listen to this song Brave by Sara BareillesI want to see you be brave! Listen and really soak in those lyrics. It might not give you automatic bravery, but I tell you just close your eyes and visualise the positive outcome.

Whatever your feeling right now. Whatever life horrible rubbish that might be trailing you right now. Even if you don’t believe your entitled to these feelings. You’re here. You are loved. Look you’re getting through it and that ain’t easy my friend. And what does that tell you… that you’re amazing of course. You were made perfect. You are perfect, no matter how many comparisons you might think of. Everyone has their own sort of beauty. Let yours shine through.

Share and like. Please do comment on your BRAVE moments. Doesn’t have to be big. Could be as simple as a smile to whatever – I don’t want to limit it! If you likey please do remember to show me with a like or a share. All the love and hugs!! xx

Anxiety Diaries: 27th February 2015

Why do we do it to ourselves?

It’s society’s biggest contradiction, out of many. A secret everyone knows, yet it still keeps its secret title. Because that’s what it feels like, two let’s be honest bitchy girls whispering into cupped hands that or when tired of obviousness is like the Mean Girl posse ready to throw the burn book at you. (You notice the amount of film references I have to explain). Sure you know what I’m talking about here? No?

Judgement. Society has two different dance crews. The 1st are the ones who step-touch to the beat of imaginary social laws. They like the technical dancer expect your dancing ability to meet a certain criteria – and will make it known if your moves don’t tick the tiny judging boxes. Then there is the other crew. The 2nd. They dance from the heart. In fact, they want to use their choreographic genius to break ordinary dance laws and be unique. Where are we? In between.

Let’s face it. We know about society’s invisible laws: to be ‘normal’, to not say what you think because its impolite, to be skinny whatever it is and I’m not going to write the epically long list. And we all despise them, right? Have you ever felt frustrated, ugly…stupid question everyone has. Why? Because of society’s image. Who is this society person, because it seems that everyone feels the same way about them.

Yet we feel this urge to please it. Be it. And a long way we fall into its trap and we begin to judge others. So like I said we are in between.

As someone with social anxiety judgement is one of my big stumbling blocks. (Be more positive) the thing I’m getting better with. If I’m honest social anxiety makes you not just fear judgement from others, but also makes you the ultimate judgey. I hate that.

If you get socially anxious, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Because at the end of the day you are judging them, judging you. You might judge someones appearance and deem them more intimidating or scary or whatever the thoughts that go through us. People to avoid.

It’s the exact same about people who are less fortunate than us. They need are help the most yet. Society as a whole has this weird ignoring system going on. We have been told to feel uncomfortable and avoid contact because really we are scared, we feel judged. Well what about them?

Today, I’ve learnt a lot about judgement. It’s easy to do and hard to silence. I don’t want to be judged, so why should I judge another? We are all human beings. Different but, fundamentally the same.

This is the lesson I have learnt. Over the past months I’ve had a revelation that I’m not obligated to anyone. It seems so obvious. That you don’t have to censor yourself. It’s like I couldn’t fathom how people could say no straight out to people that they didn’t want to go or something. But, I have also learned or rather working on not judging others. For me today that is where I took my step forward.

You reader whatever you are experiencing right now! Whether pain, confusion, anxiety, depression whatever it is. Here is some love. You are loved. You are cherished. Now have a beautiful day. And let’s not judge each others 🙂

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