Being Honest

Right now I have the urge to procrastinate. Every muscle. Every thought. Every impulse is pulling me away from writing this. Whatever ‘this’ is? But like how a child clings to her mum or dad with their little arms, not wanting to let go or like those cartoons when it’s really windy and your grabbing onto a lamp-post, here I am.

So what is it that makes me sit here? Somehow destined to write ‘something’ but I don’t know what. Well let’s find out shall we.

I don’t know about you but I find it hard to be completely honest here. I’m not talking about lying or what people may call ‘hiding’. But remember I’ve been conditioned by society to be a closed book. Just like you. That it’s somehow impolite to release that darkness in hope of light.

Take one of the most annoying things that happens all the time! So, you’re  pretty depressed. Right now you’re not in the mood for people. Let alone polite society conversations. But, you have to or supposed to rather answer that question. Yeh that question. Polite but does anyone actually care? How are you?

If you’re like me. Perhaps you’re not, but let’s go with it. You feel obliged to make some effort in your response. Especially since I get so entangled in judgement, but to that stuff later. So, I have to grab around my mind for an answer. And usually I get the same one. I smile as much or as little as I can bear and say the word fine. Because after all this is just a phatic conversation or what the Americans call ‘small talk’ which purpose is to create this illusion of meeting the other persons’ needs.

Yes, an illusion. Sometimes when we ask this question to others we expect a short response too. If I’d just met you and you asked me How are you? and I said Crap, everything is going all wrong. [Sobs] I’m constantly fighting myself. My therapist says I have Social Anxiety, Generalised Anxiety, Emetophobia… Things would get really awkward very quickly. The same thing goes with blogging.

To you I haven’t gone anywhere. Well within words. But in between writing the above: I’ve survived a driving lesson which consisted mainly of information bombardment; played the indecisive food game which meant a trip to the supermarket; temporary been distracted by family coming home and have been engaged by the parade of negative thoughts stomping in my head. So you could say my flow has been trampled on. That and it left it wide open to temptation to leave this post undone.

So here is for the honesty talk – oh no [shrinks back into chair and looks blankly at the screen]. There is a certain bravery to reveal your whole self. And perhaps in this way it feels as if a more flawed version of me – because well I’m anxious and depressed. I’m not suddenly write a of list how amazing I am. You know as well as I when you have to talk about yourself when your depressed to someone your brain doesn’t even count the positives. In fact it’s like they go whoosh past our minds. It’s kind of like all the positives are hidden under some Harry Potter style invisibility cloak.

I think more than anything else. I feel choked with expectations. Society’s expectations. The ones we want to defy but then get sucked into. I’m alone most days. Even just saying that makes me feel an attention seeker. The same way sometimes I’m made to feel like when I’m talking about my anxiety.

I feel trapped in my house, yet I feel utterly powerless about it. It makes me grudging and all the things I don’t want to be made out of. I say I’m only 18 as if it would be some sort of excuse for something. I decided University was not for me. I was eager to be a writer and a young business woman.

I finished school on a very anxious note. My anxiety had just reached a new level I had never experienced before. I was totally at sea, and although I told people about my anxiety and had done some CBT it wasn’t really taken seriously by my school. So, now I know before one of my exams I experienced some form of hallucination. But before you get freaked out it was when I was asleep. Apparently I was inbetween sleep and consciousness. I was having a nightmare that I was failing my exam. I felt like I was really taking the exam, but I could also see my room. Plus the nausea was horrible, especially with my fear of being sick.

But back to the other situation. I don’t know if you are in the same position as me? Isolated. Completely isolated. I’m trying. I swear I am. Making friends when you’re socially anxious without school is difficult. Everything is up to you. You have to go searching for it. So, although I do voluntary work once a week to combat my worries. I am looking for a ‘normal’ job because that’s what I ought to do. Plus it makes conversations go flat very easily.

But I always get in a muddle when I really think about jobs. Yes you earn money. Yes that’s well and good. You need money to live in this world. But the actual reality of work is that you experience the same world over and over then to get to a hard part. We’re told by society you either go to university or get a job. Then it changes to get a job.

Then your forced into this circle for life, where most of us are just chasing money with no real happiness. Doing things we didn’t want to do, for little pay.

Anyway. The fact that I’m unemployed makes me feel tainted. Looked down on by society. I’ve nearly reached a thousand words. So, I will write another honest post soon!

I love you. And if you liked my honesty post please give it a LIKE. Please do SHARE if it will help someone else. Congratulations you have managed to get to the end of my long rant! All the love and hugs xx

Anxiety Diary: 3rd March 2015

Right now I’m tired not only literally but also metaphorically. Inwardly I’m constantly exhausted. Even though I keep fantasizing about going to bed right now, I’m drawn back here, to you.

But, today when I got up. I knew I wanted to face my anxiety somehow, someway. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t jump out of bed and start singing like some cheesy Disney Channel movie. Mind you that would be great, if someone could my life for a constant musical that would be great. I would like a piece of that flawed optimism and over rhyming happiness any day.

Anyway back to the story. In my therapy session or whatever it is I am on. All we do is write-up behavioral experiments which you could imagine I would be thrilled about (detect sarcasm?). I mean come on, of course I want to get over all those things labelled to me. But, on the other hand I want to sit there roll in a ball like a hedgehog and pretend that the therapist just didn’t give me ‘homework’ that my whole body repels. It almost made my ears want to close.

The deal is this. And it’s going to pretty much suck for the 1st half at least. We are going to have to challenge ourselves, find out whether it met that showreel of crappy outcomes. Most likely it didn’t.

This is why today, I decided to walk to the library. Wow big deal you say. It’s not so much the walking part, but crossing roads and passing people. Sometimes my mind used to  and still from time to time will picture bad things happening like getting kidnapped, robbed – whatever. I did it.

I even made it my goal to look at least one person in the face, smile and say hi. I did that too. Which by the way I did more than once and it made me realise just how little people actually care and how unhappy people look. Not that it’s all about my list but I locked the door once (as therapist said without checking). There were other few bits and pieces that I was also able to do to, but I thought these would be good to share.

Although it’s daunting set yourself a few challenges. It’s not about ‘doing everything’. Or I have to get over my fear right now. It’s not even a I can’t do it or its too much. Challenges can be as big or as simple as you like. If you struggle getting up. Or your feeling low and find it hard to do things keep the list simple like: Get up, have breakfast etc. That way you can tick them off and feel like you have accomplished something. I’m telling you just a few being able to tick, cross whatever is on your list off gives just that bit of satisfaction you needed. And if you are anything like me it helps to take away the guilt of not doing things.

I don’t know what yet, but I will make a few post based on challenges. That way we can all support one another. Perhaps we could work on a 7 day challenge where we set a 1 goal for everyday? Let me know what you think.

Thank you for reading you amazing human being!! Love you so much and here is a BIG HUG. If you thought that tickled your heart give it a like, and if you felt if was hug worthy give it a good SHARE. Hope you are having a good day!