7 Reasons I can’t Stop Talking About My Mental Health

I know it’s not the same for everyone. No two people will ever experience something in exactly the same way. But for me in relation to family chats or having a natter to myself/ self chat. I can’t get this stuff out of my mind.

Ok ‘stuff’ isn’t the most useful word. It’s sounds as if I’m shoving cotton wool or something in my head. But somehow on screen it manages to pretentiously shrink all my problems into an insignificant word. It has some teenagery magical properties to it!

From the moment I wake up at 6:40 every morning to the dreaded don’t-feel-accomplished night. All I can talk, think, breathe and make conversations (to the family, I’m still in society’s closed book thing) about is… trying to find the right word for it… thoughts? Err no. Depression… yes but not quite. Anxiety?

Apparently I can’t stop and even though I’ve tried not to speak about it. It’s tempting as… No it’s pretty tempting! Anyway I think the people around me have had enough.

So here we are then! Basically 7 reasons why I can’t stop talking about my myself  mental health:

1. In the mental world I’m on a battlefield

When you’re on the battlefield you need allies, right? If you go it alone, you may as well wave that white flag or return that crown back to the jewelers (if you can find the receipt). Because with allies you’re more likely to win (this can include yourself by the way). I need you’re assurance that you’re in it with me!

2. I’m not being annoying, I’m just as confused as you are.

I know I talk about it a lot.  Yes, it looks selfish. But I’m just hurting. And I wish I didn’t feel the urge to seek reassurance. It’s frustrating for you because you don’t fully understand. Guess what? I don’t either. I’m just as confused if not more than you.

3. It’s kind of hard to ignore pain

If someone is in a lot of pain physically. Say, this chap has broken his leg. You might forgive them for talking about it (all the time) or not concentrating on your story of your hard day at work. It’s the same for me.

Instead, it’s this constant inward pain in my heart, an intoxicating mind hum. It is both inward and outward pain. Inward is the most excruciating.

4. When you tell me not to think about it – IT’S ALL I CAN FLIPPING THINK ABOUT!

Has you’re therapist done the whole if I said don’t think about a pink elephant riding a unicycle thing? Knowing that you would thing exactly that. Yeh, the same thing.

5. This is the loneliest place

Yeh I talk about it, perhaps you think too much. But, it gives me this intense lonely ache in my heart. Like I’m constantly on a deserted island without Captain Jack Sparrow and his secret rum stash (I don’t drink anyway) or some sea turtles that I can strap myself to and escape anxiety and depression AT LAST. If you haven’t seen Pirates of the Caribbean you might be a little at sea here!

6. I just want your help

I only want assurance. When everything feels like its floating away from me and I have nothing to cling onto other than someone’s words to soothe me. Everything feels questionable. For pity sakes! I can’t even decide whether to have porridge or cereal for breakfast!

7. Listen, I’m trying to explain

I say it again and again because I don’t feel like you’re listening. I do it because I so desperately want or need you to understand. Not exactly what I’m ‘going through’ (haven’t we said that enough!), but me. I’m scared. Like really scared.

And if I don’t explain it to you I fear it will get worse. That I will explode.

It is a human need to feel understood. A very natural urge indeed.

Hi Everyone! Thank you for reading my post! If you liked it and felt that it helped or you can relate remember to LIKE & SHARE. I hope you are having a good day. And that if anything I’ve provided you a bit of hope. Our storms will pass! Love you 🙂 xx

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Anxiety Diary: 3rd March 2015

Right now I’m tired not only literally but also metaphorically. Inwardly I’m constantly exhausted. Even though I keep fantasizing about going to bed right now, I’m drawn back here, to you.

But, today when I got up. I knew I wanted to face my anxiety somehow, someway. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t jump out of bed and start singing like some cheesy Disney Channel movie. Mind you that would be great, if someone could my life for a constant musical that would be great. I would like a piece of that flawed optimism and over rhyming happiness any day.

Anyway back to the story. In my therapy session or whatever it is I am on. All we do is write-up behavioral experiments which you could imagine I would be thrilled about (detect sarcasm?). I mean come on, of course I want to get over all those things labelled to me. But, on the other hand I want to sit there roll in a ball like a hedgehog and pretend that the therapist just didn’t give me ‘homework’ that my whole body repels. It almost made my ears want to close.

The deal is this. And it’s going to pretty much suck for the 1st half at least. We are going to have to challenge ourselves, find out whether it met that showreel of crappy outcomes. Most likely it didn’t.

This is why today, I decided to walk to the library. Wow big deal you say. It’s not so much the walking part, but crossing roads and passing people. Sometimes my mind used to  and still from time to time will picture bad things happening like getting kidnapped, robbed – whatever. I did it.

I even made it my goal to look at least one person in the face, smile and say hi. I did that too. Which by the way I did more than once and it made me realise just how little people actually care and how unhappy people look. Not that it’s all about my list but I locked the door once (as therapist said without checking). There were other few bits and pieces that I was also able to do to, but I thought these would be good to share.

Although it’s daunting set yourself a few challenges. It’s not about ‘doing everything’. Or I have to get over my fear right now. It’s not even a I can’t do it or its too much. Challenges can be as big or as simple as you like. If you struggle getting up. Or your feeling low and find it hard to do things keep the list simple like: Get up, have breakfast etc. That way you can tick them off and feel like you have accomplished something. I’m telling you just a few being able to tick, cross whatever is on your list off gives just that bit of satisfaction you needed. And if you are anything like me it helps to take away the guilt of not doing things.

I don’t know what yet, but I will make a few post based on challenges. That way we can all support one another. Perhaps we could work on a 7 day challenge where we set a 1 goal for everyday? Let me know what you think.

Thank you for reading you amazing human being!! Love you so much and here is a BIG HUG. If you thought that tickled your heart give it a like, and if you felt if was hug worthy give it a good SHARE. Hope you are having a good day!

Anxiety Diaries: 27th February 2015

Why do we do it to ourselves?

It’s society’s biggest contradiction, out of many. A secret everyone knows, yet it still keeps its secret title. Because that’s what it feels like, two let’s be honest bitchy girls whispering into cupped hands that or when tired of obviousness is like the Mean Girl posse ready to throw the burn book at you. (You notice the amount of film references I have to explain). Sure you know what I’m talking about here? No?

Judgement. Society has two different dance crews. The 1st are the ones who step-touch to the beat of imaginary social laws. They like the technical dancer expect your dancing ability to meet a certain criteria – and will make it known if your moves don’t tick the tiny judging boxes. Then there is the other crew. The 2nd. They dance from the heart. In fact, they want to use their choreographic genius to break ordinary dance laws and be unique. Where are we? In between.

Let’s face it. We know about society’s invisible laws: to be ‘normal’, to not say what you think because its impolite, to be skinny whatever it is and I’m not going to write the epically long list. And we all despise them, right? Have you ever felt frustrated, ugly…stupid question everyone has. Why? Because of society’s image. Who is this society person, because it seems that everyone feels the same way about them.

Yet we feel this urge to please it. Be it. And a long way we fall into its trap and we begin to judge others. So like I said we are in between.

As someone with social anxiety judgement is one of my big stumbling blocks. (Be more positive) the thing I’m getting better with. If I’m honest social anxiety makes you not just fear judgement from others, but also makes you the ultimate judgey. I hate that.

If you get socially anxious, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Because at the end of the day you are judging them, judging you. You might judge someones appearance and deem them more intimidating or scary or whatever the thoughts that go through us. People to avoid.

It’s the exact same about people who are less fortunate than us. They need are help the most yet. Society as a whole has this weird ignoring system going on. We have been told to feel uncomfortable and avoid contact because really we are scared, we feel judged. Well what about them?

Today, I’ve learnt a lot about judgement. It’s easy to do and hard to silence. I don’t want to be judged, so why should I judge another? We are all human beings. Different but, fundamentally the same.

This is the lesson I have learnt. Over the past months I’ve had a revelation that I’m not obligated to anyone. It seems so obvious. That you don’t have to censor yourself. It’s like I couldn’t fathom how people could say no straight out to people that they didn’t want to go or something. But, I have also learned or rather working on not judging others. For me today that is where I took my step forward.

You reader whatever you are experiencing right now! Whether pain, confusion, anxiety, depression whatever it is. Here is some love. You are loved. You are cherished. Now have a beautiful day. And let’s not judge each others 🙂

If you feel the same way please give it a like! If you thought it was good SHARE the world and tell all your buds!

Anxiety Diaries: 26th February 2015

Today I pretty much feel like Madonna. And I’m not talking about me singing a Madonna Glee style mash-up with a hairbrush in a mirror which wouldn’t really be that weird considering we have got up to that point in society where we know we all do it (Lizzie McGuire movie style). Of course I’m referring to…[cough] oh sorry you didn’t get that? Let’s just say Edna Mode (Incredibles – Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about) was right about the whole no capes thing.

As I watched (ex-theatre student here), saw that she couldn’t undo the tie around her neck. (If you haven’t heard or seen it, Madonna had a costume/performance malfunction.) I had this feeling that something was going to go wrong or at the very least out of time. It did. The dancers pulled her back and the lady went flying. Now I wasn’t going to talk about this. Because somehow I felt I would be adding fuel to a fire. And in the ironic sense of her lyric choice she got back up again, despite the lack of help from others. Simply amazing!

I’m still slightly afraid to be honest here. But, I too feel like I’m on pause at the moment she was in mid-air or rather hit the ground. My mind is split into two sides either give in to this low, darkness that keeps pecking at my shoulder – to the anxiety that has my thoughts annoyingly negative. Or to do something different. To find the hope. To pray and feel love. Not this crappy irritable haze that has you exhausted with your own self-hatred. I don’t want to be ‘moody’ with anyone. I’m fed up of a guilt if I don’t do this that or the other. A so intense guilt. Or to not even be able to make a decision on what I should eat – because this… that and if I eat this then it means I’m that.

The thing is people. It’s hard. Pah… way to point out the obvious. Right now give yourself a hug or rather imagine a hug from me. During my phase of excessive searching which I still do (trying to stop), I keep looking for this neat shiny answer. It’s the one in a way we all have been promised. But, we seem disappointed when we find the answer. Ourselves. Us. We are the only answer. You are the answer.

I know not the answer you were looking for, right? I felt and still struggle with it to. Can I really overcome this? In fact we often go back to the blame game or other basically Internet junk that says you will be cured if you do this…

It’s a toughie. A big humph. I suppose that’s what commercialism has taught us – if anything. But, that certainly doesn’t mean we should grumble and walk out the door. No, it’s good. We know the answer! We are it. Whether we believe it or not have the power. Don’t deny it, you know it.

So, for instance tonight I had the choice to host a pity party for one. To let my low moods engulf me. To not write. Right, now I may not feel perfect. I can’t deny that I don’t feel guilty for not ‘doing everything’. Or that I still feel uncomfortable and awkward when I talked to people today for over an hour.

That I haven’t got or job yet. Judged that I don’t have one. Stuck in my house because of all these emotions. So, there is a lot on my imperfect list. I know my mind goes over them every day. But, I’m moving forward, even if I don’t really believe it. Hey, I talked to people. I wrote this post. You remember too that the little things count. In fact you will realise, to you they weren’t little at all. Too often do we think we have to get over big fears instantly. Here’s the thing, we don’t!

Basically do what Madonna did! Get back up and give it your all!!

If you had a fun ride give it a like. If you would like to take this rollercoaster somewhere else then share it! Hope this helps and that you are having a great day!

4 Mind-blowing Quotes to Live By

It’s crazy, isn’t it? The need for words in our life! Gosh, it’s like we forget to acknowledge the poor souls. They entertain us, comfort us, make us laugh, cry. Sometimes they can be used as a weapons and others as if they were an embrace. Either way when we are scrolling down our Instagram or Facebook or whatever it may be, there’s always the odd quote to like. They move us and give a certain fire in the belly.

Now I’m not making any promises here. Yes quotes have a tendency to give us a fizzled burst of motivation. Perhaps, we expect the words to magically lift us up and carry the act out. Because on willpower let’s face it – we be back to the same-old-same-old tomorrow.

So these quotes you may just have to come back and remind yourselves. Here are 4 Mind-blowing quotes we all should live by!

#1 “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

Especially with us anxious people we like to put on a mask. People please. Sometimes we could be in awe when someone appears to know who they are and are not afraid to show it.

Be that person. Be you. You might just be bowled over about the amount of time we wasted pretending to others!

#2 “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Gandhi

It’s weird. When we are little we’re told we can be who we want. Achieve anything. In adulthood not so much.

You can do it. I believe in you. Whatever it is – doesn’t have to be BIG, I’m-going-to-save-the-world stuff. It could simply be improving yourself and reflecting that onto others.

#3 “Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.” Will Smith

I thought I would choose a different quote, but this one stuck with me. I’m sure in some movie they came up with the line like in life we have choices. We either choose to deal with love or anger. Will Smith clicks onto something here.

Sometimes we hang on to the anger that it becomes hate. Consumes us. Makes us bitter. Instead, forgive, love. It’s not easy. I’m not saying it is, but its better for you that way.

#4 “God didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?” Unknown

Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. And this quote is a good reminder that we can’t do everything at once! No matter how hard we try!

If you had a cracking time reading this post then show me and like it! If you were having a ball of a time and thought it was useful please do spread the word. And I would love to hear from you in the comments of the quotes you like!

Anxiety Diaries: 20th February 2015

I want to write, but don’t. My idea for this blog was not to influence people with my well-known pessimism or sarcasm, but to show a positive journey of overcoming anxiety. Let’s just say it’s not going to plan. And I have forgotten all the witty lines I thought of putting on here about an hour ago. In someway I feel I failed. But I guess you’re gonna hit some bumps on the road, stupid potholes! Humph

One word for today… overwhelmed. It was one of the gradual incline days. You know the ones your perfectly fine well ish and then something catches you? Cue emotional breakdown. You feel like you have reached what everyone has called Rock bottom. This must be it you think. What it’s meant to be like? If depression in height is the bottom then this must be where I am. I had been alone in the house, enclosed in its walls that I have almost become part of the furniture (is that a line from Oliver!?). Then some weird symptom has had me freaking out. It just set me off. But am I  at rock bottom, the invisible metaphorical place?

Well here is the glitter of positivity. Which has now just astonished me. It’s weird what can happen when you write. Today we walked, when I say ‘we’ I mean my mum and I to a cafe. Frustrated we couldn’t get into the cafe (hungry mind) with a view because a random wedding party was crammed in there. We headed back to the car. I noticed mum trudging beside me her eyes straight on the dull pavement ahead. She was missing it! The view was just there, beautiful and yet she was distracted by the ugly concrete slab. When I told her this she almost shuck her head in realisation. There while she was not looking, were clouds that looked as if they were the shading of a masterpiece not my reality. Perplexing nature, birds swooping down to the water logged marshes. Formed pools gleaming in the light which escaped the veil of the clouds. It was all there.

So, although I’ve had a good cry and have not been the perfect role model I wanted to be. This is my lesson of the day. Look at the view. It’s beauty. The many complexities. It’s already there. We’re just not turning our heads to it. Why is the concrete more appealing? Concrete is dull, man made it swallows everything up and paralyses.

Considering I like my metaphors. Not an English geek or anything – pah? Concrete can be our suffering, anxiety, depression, society’s opinion either way it encases us and draws us away from reality. The view is who we really are. I know beautiful is an over used adjective so I will find another. Ambrosial check that out! You are complex, human with all added complications and perhaps you and I with an extra helping. But, who doesn’t like an extra helping to an amazing desert?

I don’t need to know you to know how delightful you are. You are. Like the view you may be waterlogged with thoughts, have a few muddy areas underfoot, but when you look UP. The wider picture it’s there staring you in the face!

Hello Anxiety

LIKE & SHARE this post if you enjoyed reading it! Here is today’s virtual hug from me. Love you all xx

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Anxiety Diaries: 19th February 2015

Dear reader I’m in serious need of a hug. Right now I’m like a balloon, all blown up and need deflating before that person (yes there is always that one at a party – not that I attend many) pops me.

Everything is sending me crazy. One thing and CABOOM! It’s like that bit in Finding Nemo when Dory hits one of those floating bombs at Bruce’s party. WATCH out for the anxiasaurus (that was a failed blend) ready to roar at the sight of judgement or rather my gurgling stomach.

I’m tilting over the edge. I’m constantly irritable and as hard as I try not to be mad. Know really that I shouldn’t be.  Another stampede of thoughts bombard me with why I should feel angry. Not helping brain. Do you get like this around people aka your family, friends?

I don’t know whether I should be using this many similes? But I feel as if I should explain myself than write a list of what I’ve done today or rather what I didn’t do. Yawn.

A minute ago I wanted to cry. I’m so frustrated. Just that I’m anxious about being anxious demonstrates an almost comical irony.

Here it is and I don’t know whether you feel the same. During these moments when my body is playing robot with tension and every vein in my body is a fuse connected to my heart, dynamite. Like when you accidentally speed a film too much that you missed the bit you wanted. I hate when that happens!

Part of you wants to be your heroic side. You know the person everyone chats about?Tries to fight the anxiety, attempting positive thinking while the other is tempting you, wanting you to not let go of anxiety. It’s like the moment when you’re not anxious about something you usually are. And that’s good progress. But a part of you feels weird about not feeling anxious. Then you feel as if you ought to be anxious. Yep it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true, right?

I started my day early. Good. But do you ever get so up tight when you don’t get to tick everything off your list? I try to shake the feeling of failure, but it keeps flying back at me and hitting me SMACK in the face.

Another thing, do you get these moments when you feel as if you can’t get up? Literally, I’m not referring to physical weight in any way. You want and don’t want to do anything, you literally feel glued to the spot, muscles giving in to gravity. There is something in you that just wants to bask in the lowness. Yet you feel so guilty too.

Oh yeh and walking past people today. Every time someone in view goes to walk past me I have to mentally prepare. I get anxious and don’t quite know what to do with myself. Normally I conclude that I should attempt a smile, but most of the time they don’t even acknowledge me.

So, I’ve been pretty negative today. Sorry people! But what have I learned is this: Anxiety is pointless. Harsh words, true. It never adds just takes away. Ask yourself: is this anxiety helping this situation? The answer would probably be no. It is no. It never will.

Thank you for reading you beautiful soul!

Hello Anxiety

Please do click like so I can see if you enjoyed it and remember to share it so we can spread the word! Lots of love and hugs!