Poem: Inner Chaos

I’m

f
a
l
L
E

N N

G
__ in the down
Into a b-R-O-k-E-n compression
I seep in minute confession, session
Creaky ticks – – -of mental tricks
Singed letters that in creaky blindness tell not truths
____________Invisible sentences brand like paper cramping in fire drippin

G into me,

a current that lights my mind with a familiar strange darkness…
Sadness a there. A you. Complicated, confusing through and through.
I think… I think Incessant. Persistent fathom. Real. Not real. A circle of unknowing listed sincerities or treacheries.

 Where am I?

Here’s what I used to be. The me.

I am neither here or nor there but, yesterday, tomorrow or an hour away.
>CavE< Caving chest, my chest caving. Inward further, further

I hoped you enjoyed the poem and felt that in some way you could relate to the feeling of the words. I couldn’t quite format the way I did on word, but that’s as close as I can get. If you LIKE it please remember to show me below 🙂 Your very welcome to SHARE it too. Love & hugs xx

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7 Reasons I can’t Stop Talking About My Mental Health

I know it’s not the same for everyone. No two people will ever experience something in exactly the same way. But for me in relation to family chats or having a natter to myself/ self chat. I can’t get this stuff out of my mind.

Ok ‘stuff’ isn’t the most useful word. It’s sounds as if I’m shoving cotton wool or something in my head. But somehow on screen it manages to pretentiously shrink all my problems into an insignificant word. It has some teenagery magical properties to it!

From the moment I wake up at 6:40 every morning to the dreaded don’t-feel-accomplished night. All I can talk, think, breathe and make conversations (to the family, I’m still in society’s closed book thing) about is… trying to find the right word for it… thoughts? Err no. Depression… yes but not quite. Anxiety?

Apparently I can’t stop and even though I’ve tried not to speak about it. It’s tempting as… No it’s pretty tempting! Anyway I think the people around me have had enough.

So here we are then! Basically 7 reasons why I can’t stop talking about my myself  mental health:

1. In the mental world I’m on a battlefield

When you’re on the battlefield you need allies, right? If you go it alone, you may as well wave that white flag or return that crown back to the jewelers (if you can find the receipt). Because with allies you’re more likely to win (this can include yourself by the way). I need you’re assurance that you’re in it with me!

2. I’m not being annoying, I’m just as confused as you are.

I know I talk about it a lot.  Yes, it looks selfish. But I’m just hurting. And I wish I didn’t feel the urge to seek reassurance. It’s frustrating for you because you don’t fully understand. Guess what? I don’t either. I’m just as confused if not more than you.

3. It’s kind of hard to ignore pain

If someone is in a lot of pain physically. Say, this chap has broken his leg. You might forgive them for talking about it (all the time) or not concentrating on your story of your hard day at work. It’s the same for me.

Instead, it’s this constant inward pain in my heart, an intoxicating mind hum. It is both inward and outward pain. Inward is the most excruciating.

4. When you tell me not to think about it – IT’S ALL I CAN FLIPPING THINK ABOUT!

Has you’re therapist done the whole if I said don’t think about a pink elephant riding a unicycle thing? Knowing that you would thing exactly that. Yeh, the same thing.

5. This is the loneliest place

Yeh I talk about it, perhaps you think too much. But, it gives me this intense lonely ache in my heart. Like I’m constantly on a deserted island without Captain Jack Sparrow and his secret rum stash (I don’t drink anyway) or some sea turtles that I can strap myself to and escape anxiety and depression AT LAST. If you haven’t seen Pirates of the Caribbean you might be a little at sea here!

6. I just want your help

I only want assurance. When everything feels like its floating away from me and I have nothing to cling onto other than someone’s words to soothe me. Everything feels questionable. For pity sakes! I can’t even decide whether to have porridge or cereal for breakfast!

7. Listen, I’m trying to explain

I say it again and again because I don’t feel like you’re listening. I do it because I so desperately want or need you to understand. Not exactly what I’m ‘going through’ (haven’t we said that enough!), but me. I’m scared. Like really scared.

And if I don’t explain it to you I fear it will get worse. That I will explode.

It is a human need to feel understood. A very natural urge indeed.

Hi Everyone! Thank you for reading my post! If you liked it and felt that it helped or you can relate remember to LIKE & SHARE. I hope you are having a good day. And that if anything I’ve provided you a bit of hope. Our storms will pass! Love you 🙂 xx

4 Things You Should Know

Firstly before I put this show on the road, just a word of warning that there might be some cheesyness. Yes, when you’re talking about this stuff I’m bound to go a bit mushy gushy on you. But hey, sometimes we need that cliché in our lives. So, sit, relax and read the 4 Things You Should Know… [DRUM ROLL]

#1 You are loved my friend

I get it. Right now you might not be feeling a lot of love. Perhaps not in the classic Romeo and Juliet style (we can dream people, 90s Leo – swoon) or like one of those heart warming family movies [insert film here]. In fact at times it can feel as if our emotions block out that love which is already there, you know?

Perhaps we have given into these chattering thoughts that we’re unlovable. That we can never be truly loved. Wrong. You are loved. You are loved so deeply. Whether you feel as if you’ve got loving family and friends or not. You are loved. I love you. Now come here and give me a big cuddle [eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee]. See that’s better, right?

#2 You’re not alone. Anxiety (slash mental health) is not a club of 1.

So here is where I whip out the clichés. I know. I know. I put my hands up. But it’s true.

Let’s face it, we all go through the stage where we think no-one will ever understand. It makes us angry and frustrated. That’s when we feel so alone. It (as anxiety, depression whatever it is you’re going through) tells us that we are miserably alone.

That’s a lie. You know it. Hopefully I’m proof of that. There are people who understand. Who go through the same thing. But in a weird way (in our mind) feeling generalized can be perceived as bad. Like it downplays how we feel. That ‘in reality’ we are different, special. May this is just me. If it makes any sense that’s how I first felt.

You are understood. And that is a brilliant thing!

#3 Anxiety is as useless as the toys you get from a Christmas cracker

If anxiety was a person, it would be that guy at work or school or whatever. The one where you have worked your all and this cracker has just been playing thumb wars with himself and hovering about doing nothing. How annoying, right?  That’s what anxiety does, it gets you know where.

But does anxiety ever help a situation? Does it give you anything other than drive you bananas and give you weird symptoms you then get paranoid about? No.

I know this a brain twister. But understanding that it’s nothing. That it doesn’t achieve something. Is BIG!

#4 Anything is possible

Don’t cringe when I quote “Anything is possible if you just believe,” or “Impossible to I’m possible”. Or create a mental list of thoughts to throw at me. Hear or rather read me out.

Simple, anything is possible. If you can dream it, then you can live it. It’s possible to not feel as anxious. It’s possible to be happy. It’s possible. You are possible. Your mind can easily without even thinking give you a list of reasons why you can’t do something.

Let’s pick the traditional one I’m/your not good enough. Would you say that to your friend? You wouldn’t dream of it. So, why do we put ourselves down?

I believe in you. This world’s possibilities are endless. And just when you realise that. When all those worries seem small in the large picture. When you realise that you’re not obligated to work a job you don’t want or to please someone who will never be pleased. You will be free my friend.

If you want to give this some L-O-V-E, love, give it thumbs up. If you want to spread the LOVE SHARE! Thank you for hopping on to the roller-coaster with me. I love you. And although I can’t be with you right now, I can give you a BIG HUG. Lots of love xx

Anxiety Diaries: 6th March 2015

Sometimes words can rub off on us. Give us boom-nows-my- time chill. You know what I mean, right? Well anyway sometimes that can be enough to spur those brain cogs on. Other times perhaps like now they’re going through one ear and out the other. That or like when you read those cutesy quotes you are ballooned with all this excitement. I’m not going to let anyone stop me… I can do anything. Then you’ve guessed it whether that be minutes or hours we are back to the same old same old.

Now here is going to be a collection of what I’ve learnt from the few days, I’ve clearly procrastinated from writing the blog. Speak. Not so hard is it you say?

A few days ago. I stood up in a small crowd of people and spoke. Why is that a big deal?

Whatever you choose to take from this, whether you believe in God or not. For me God had a lot to do with it. In fact, it was him who put my hand up, stand up and hold a mic. The me inside couldn’t comprehend how that happened. How I got here. Now this was it. Now I had to say something. There was no awkwardly trying to throw the mic at someone else. I had waited for this moment yet, I was frightened.

All the things I talked about saying had slipped from my noggin. I was terrified. Before my feet had been tapping in nervous anticipation. But then something happened. Words flowed elegantly from my mouth and people responded it amazingly. I had to remember the fear I felt was nothing in comparison to the fear that I was speaking for. This struggle I felt, my heart racing – the do I don’t I speak – is nothing. My prayer was answered completely.

What was I scared of? Judgement? Rejection? I have been a people pleaser all my life. I’ve always had this urge to please people, because I couldn’t stand if they judged or disliked me. That I have to eat everything to not offend someone. That I have to cover up my emotions, because it would be rude or impolite of me to do otherwise and so on and so on the list goes.

Listen to those thoughts. Yeh, I didn’t realise how ridiculous they sound either. Or rather I did, I just didn’t and don’t quite know what to do with them. Years in quotes and stuff people say ‘be yourself’. And I’ve been like yeh that’s so true. Yet in social situations found it hard to find myself, a version that’s not just acting for the other person.

It’s amazing to know that you can be you! It’s simple but it’s weird just how much you can forget it. You have a voice. Own it! Be it! Your voice is just as important as anyone else’s.

If something is coming up in your life that you need a bit of courage for, listen to this song Brave by Sara BareillesI want to see you be brave! Listen and really soak in those lyrics. It might not give you automatic bravery, but I tell you just close your eyes and visualise the positive outcome.

Whatever your feeling right now. Whatever life horrible rubbish that might be trailing you right now. Even if you don’t believe your entitled to these feelings. You’re here. You are loved. Look you’re getting through it and that ain’t easy my friend. And what does that tell you… that you’re amazing of course. You were made perfect. You are perfect, no matter how many comparisons you might think of. Everyone has their own sort of beauty. Let yours shine through.

Share and like. Please do comment on your BRAVE moments. Doesn’t have to be big. Could be as simple as a smile to whatever – I don’t want to limit it! If you likey please do remember to show me with a like or a share. All the love and hugs!! xx

4 Mind-blowing Quotes to Live By

It’s crazy, isn’t it? The need for words in our life! Gosh, it’s like we forget to acknowledge the poor souls. They entertain us, comfort us, make us laugh, cry. Sometimes they can be used as a weapons and others as if they were an embrace. Either way when we are scrolling down our Instagram or Facebook or whatever it may be, there’s always the odd quote to like. They move us and give a certain fire in the belly.

Now I’m not making any promises here. Yes quotes have a tendency to give us a fizzled burst of motivation. Perhaps, we expect the words to magically lift us up and carry the act out. Because on willpower let’s face it – we be back to the same-old-same-old tomorrow.

So these quotes you may just have to come back and remind yourselves. Here are 4 Mind-blowing quotes we all should live by!

#1 “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” Oscar Wilde

Especially with us anxious people we like to put on a mask. People please. Sometimes we could be in awe when someone appears to know who they are and are not afraid to show it.

Be that person. Be you. You might just be bowled over about the amount of time we wasted pretending to others!

#2 “Be the change you want to see in the world.” Gandhi

It’s weird. When we are little we’re told we can be who we want. Achieve anything. In adulthood not so much.

You can do it. I believe in you. Whatever it is – doesn’t have to be BIG, I’m-going-to-save-the-world stuff. It could simply be improving yourself and reflecting that onto others.

#3 “Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.” Will Smith

I thought I would choose a different quote, but this one stuck with me. I’m sure in some movie they came up with the line like in life we have choices. We either choose to deal with love or anger. Will Smith clicks onto something here.

Sometimes we hang on to the anger that it becomes hate. Consumes us. Makes us bitter. Instead, forgive, love. It’s not easy. I’m not saying it is, but its better for you that way.

#4 “God didn’t do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?” Unknown

Sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves. And this quote is a good reminder that we can’t do everything at once! No matter how hard we try!

If you had a cracking time reading this post then show me and like it! If you were having a ball of a time and thought it was useful please do spread the word. And I would love to hear from you in the comments of the quotes you like!

Anxiety Diaries: 20th February 2015

I want to write, but don’t. My idea for this blog was not to influence people with my well-known pessimism or sarcasm, but to show a positive journey of overcoming anxiety. Let’s just say it’s not going to plan. And I have forgotten all the witty lines I thought of putting on here about an hour ago. In someway I feel I failed. But I guess you’re gonna hit some bumps on the road, stupid potholes! Humph

One word for today… overwhelmed. It was one of the gradual incline days. You know the ones your perfectly fine well ish and then something catches you? Cue emotional breakdown. You feel like you have reached what everyone has called Rock bottom. This must be it you think. What it’s meant to be like? If depression in height is the bottom then this must be where I am. I had been alone in the house, enclosed in its walls that I have almost become part of the furniture (is that a line from Oliver!?). Then some weird symptom has had me freaking out. It just set me off. But am I  at rock bottom, the invisible metaphorical place?

Well here is the glitter of positivity. Which has now just astonished me. It’s weird what can happen when you write. Today we walked, when I say ‘we’ I mean my mum and I to a cafe. Frustrated we couldn’t get into the cafe (hungry mind) with a view because a random wedding party was crammed in there. We headed back to the car. I noticed mum trudging beside me her eyes straight on the dull pavement ahead. She was missing it! The view was just there, beautiful and yet she was distracted by the ugly concrete slab. When I told her this she almost shuck her head in realisation. There while she was not looking, were clouds that looked as if they were the shading of a masterpiece not my reality. Perplexing nature, birds swooping down to the water logged marshes. Formed pools gleaming in the light which escaped the veil of the clouds. It was all there.

So, although I’ve had a good cry and have not been the perfect role model I wanted to be. This is my lesson of the day. Look at the view. It’s beauty. The many complexities. It’s already there. We’re just not turning our heads to it. Why is the concrete more appealing? Concrete is dull, man made it swallows everything up and paralyses.

Considering I like my metaphors. Not an English geek or anything – pah? Concrete can be our suffering, anxiety, depression, society’s opinion either way it encases us and draws us away from reality. The view is who we really are. I know beautiful is an over used adjective so I will find another. Ambrosial check that out! You are complex, human with all added complications and perhaps you and I with an extra helping. But, who doesn’t like an extra helping to an amazing desert?

I don’t need to know you to know how delightful you are. You are. Like the view you may be waterlogged with thoughts, have a few muddy areas underfoot, but when you look UP. The wider picture it’s there staring you in the face!

Hello Anxiety

LIKE & SHARE this post if you enjoyed reading it! Here is today’s virtual hug from me. Love you all xx

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Anxiety Diaries: 19th February 2015

Dear reader I’m in serious need of a hug. Right now I’m like a balloon, all blown up and need deflating before that person (yes there is always that one at a party – not that I attend many) pops me.

Everything is sending me crazy. One thing and CABOOM! It’s like that bit in Finding Nemo when Dory hits one of those floating bombs at Bruce’s party. WATCH out for the anxiasaurus (that was a failed blend) ready to roar at the sight of judgement or rather my gurgling stomach.

I’m tilting over the edge. I’m constantly irritable and as hard as I try not to be mad. Know really that I shouldn’t be.  Another stampede of thoughts bombard me with why I should feel angry. Not helping brain. Do you get like this around people aka your family, friends?

I don’t know whether I should be using this many similes? But I feel as if I should explain myself than write a list of what I’ve done today or rather what I didn’t do. Yawn.

A minute ago I wanted to cry. I’m so frustrated. Just that I’m anxious about being anxious demonstrates an almost comical irony.

Here it is and I don’t know whether you feel the same. During these moments when my body is playing robot with tension and every vein in my body is a fuse connected to my heart, dynamite. Like when you accidentally speed a film too much that you missed the bit you wanted. I hate when that happens!

Part of you wants to be your heroic side. You know the person everyone chats about?Tries to fight the anxiety, attempting positive thinking while the other is tempting you, wanting you to not let go of anxiety. It’s like the moment when you’re not anxious about something you usually are. And that’s good progress. But a part of you feels weird about not feeling anxious. Then you feel as if you ought to be anxious. Yep it doesn’t make sense, but it’s true, right?

I started my day early. Good. But do you ever get so up tight when you don’t get to tick everything off your list? I try to shake the feeling of failure, but it keeps flying back at me and hitting me SMACK in the face.

Another thing, do you get these moments when you feel as if you can’t get up? Literally, I’m not referring to physical weight in any way. You want and don’t want to do anything, you literally feel glued to the spot, muscles giving in to gravity. There is something in you that just wants to bask in the lowness. Yet you feel so guilty too.

Oh yeh and walking past people today. Every time someone in view goes to walk past me I have to mentally prepare. I get anxious and don’t quite know what to do with myself. Normally I conclude that I should attempt a smile, but most of the time they don’t even acknowledge me.

So, I’ve been pretty negative today. Sorry people! But what have I learned is this: Anxiety is pointless. Harsh words, true. It never adds just takes away. Ask yourself: is this anxiety helping this situation? The answer would probably be no. It is no. It never will.

Thank you for reading you beautiful soul!

Hello Anxiety

Please do click like so I can see if you enjoyed it and remember to share it so we can spread the word! Lots of love and hugs!

6 Social anxiety traits I’d rather not have

#1 Built in performance scanner

I swear it’s like I have this built-in scanner. Every time I talk to someone, which lets face it is not a lot. It’s like my mind is some weird sci-fi computer that scans me whoosh in waves from my head to toe. Do I look awkward? I’m I slouching? Am I in a weird position? I can’t remember all the thoughts, but you get the drill.

#2 Like Edward Cullen I can read minds

Sorry for the Twilight simile. I know, I know mega cheese. But, it was either that or the mystic Meg option. Yep I’ve talked about this one before. We like to think we know what everyone is thinking of us. But, of course there only thinking what we’re really thinking, right? Ugh how socially awkward is she/he…

#3 Over thinker, ain’t that an understatement 

The word overdrive doesn’t even put a dint into social anxiety ( I unexpectedly just wrote a pun). Anyway, you can ensure that I will come up with every scenario. Mainly consisting of the ones with some tragedy where I utterly humiliate myself just in hundreds of different ways.

Yep whether it’s practicing made up conversations in my head, I think about EVERYTHING. Way too much!

#4 No really I’m allergic to people

Seriously I am. If could use that excuse I would! But, when I’m in a social situation people other than my familia a red alert goes off in my head.

#5 My worst fear is judgement 

Don’t even get me started on this one. You don’t need me to tell you where this one is going.

#6 The biggie: avoiding social situations

I would love to hang out with someone without wanting to run away or make excuses why I can’t go. I don’t want to have to stay away from social situations like the plague. I just want to have what others do. To do things and not over think what I say, or the way my body is or how much every nerve in my body is telling me to run.

I want to be free.

If you enjoyed this post don’t forget to show me with a like. Or if you really liked it and it helped in any way please do give it a share around! You’re amazing and we will get through this together!

5 Things anxious people shouldn’t do, but do it anyway!

You know what I’m talking about, right? Those habits we slide into when we’re nervous. The I know-I-really- shouldn’t do  it but I just can’t quite stop myself. Well, here it is. These are 5 things I think anxious people do when they know they shouldn’t.

#1 Compare Ourselves

You can’t say you haven’t done this while scrolling down your Facebook feed. Admittedly, secretly jealous of the one who is always posting pictures of themselves somewhere exotic. You know the type.

It makes us feel like crap, but we still do it! Don’t think you can blag, you have done it once or twice.

We’re either trying to squeeze ourselves into a different person’s shoes. We’re not attractive enough, not as confident…la deedar. Or the complete opposite – as if we are in a competition of who’s worse off. Hello why would you even want that?

#2 Procrastinate

This blog is proof. We will find just about anything. A-N-Y-THING. Than to either face the decision on our doorstep or to do the thing we actually are afraid of.

So we would rather put off the decision until, it is staring us in the face. We’d much prefer to deal with something later, sound familiar?

#3 Over think

I’m telling ya, if you’re mind was a screen you would be creating pretty dramatic movies. There is no end in thinking of all the scenarios that could happen. Vivid images keep zooming through your mind of all the worst case scenarios. Soon your mind is tongue-tied.

#4 Research like Sherlock Holmes

This is why Facebook is so bad or really good. Ever checked someone on Facebook before meeting them – I have  haven’t. Looked through their timeline so you could be prepared of what to talk about. Ever researched so much into symptoms that you make yourself paranoid?

Basically spending a lot of time researching before making a decision.

#5 Hide

How many of us would rather hide than answer the front door? In a supermarket when you see someone you know? Pretend you didn’t hear something so that you don’t have to take part? Spent too long in the toilet because you didn’t want to go outside? A hedgehog defense mechanism of rolling into a ball when danger strikes.

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