Being Honest

Right now I have the urge to procrastinate. Every muscle. Every thought. Every impulse is pulling me away from writing this. Whatever ‘this’ is? But like how a child clings to her mum or dad with their little arms, not wanting to let go or like those cartoons when it’s really windy and your grabbing onto a lamp-post, here I am.

So what is it that makes me sit here? Somehow destined to write ‘something’ but I don’t know what. Well let’s find out shall we.

I don’t know about you but I find it hard to be completely honest here. I’m not talking about lying or what people may call ‘hiding’. But remember I’ve been conditioned by society to be a closed book. Just like you. That it’s somehow impolite to release that darkness in hope of light.

Take one of the most annoying things that happens all the time! So, you’re  pretty depressed. Right now you’re not in the mood for people. Let alone polite society conversations. But, you have to or supposed to rather answer that question. Yeh that question. Polite but does anyone actually care? How are you?

If you’re like me. Perhaps you’re not, but let’s go with it. You feel obliged to make some effort in your response. Especially since I get so entangled in judgement, but to that stuff later. So, I have to grab around my mind for an answer. And usually I get the same one. I smile as much or as little as I can bear and say the word fine. Because after all this is just a phatic conversation or what the Americans call ‘small talk’ which purpose is to create this illusion of meeting the other persons’ needs.

Yes, an illusion. Sometimes when we ask this question to others we expect a short response too. If I’d just met you and you asked me How are you? and I said Crap, everything is going all wrong. [Sobs] I’m constantly fighting myself. My therapist says I have Social Anxiety, Generalised Anxiety, Emetophobia… Things would get really awkward very quickly. The same thing goes with blogging.

To you I haven’t gone anywhere. Well within words. But in between writing the above: I’ve survived a driving lesson which consisted mainly of information bombardment; played the indecisive food game which meant a trip to the supermarket; temporary been distracted by family coming home and have been engaged by the parade of negative thoughts stomping in my head. So you could say my flow has been trampled on. That and it left it wide open to temptation to leave this post undone.

So here is for the honesty talk – oh no [shrinks back into chair and looks blankly at the screen]. There is a certain bravery to reveal your whole self. And perhaps in this way it feels as if a more flawed version of me – because well I’m anxious and depressed. I’m not suddenly write a of list how amazing I am. You know as well as I when you have to talk about yourself when your depressed to someone your brain doesn’t even count the positives. In fact it’s like they go whoosh past our minds. It’s kind of like all the positives are hidden under some Harry Potter style invisibility cloak.

I think more than anything else. I feel choked with expectations. Society’s expectations. The ones we want to defy but then get sucked into. I’m alone most days. Even just saying that makes me feel an attention seeker. The same way sometimes I’m made to feel like when I’m talking about my anxiety.

I feel trapped in my house, yet I feel utterly powerless about it. It makes me grudging and all the things I don’t want to be made out of. I say I’m only 18 as if it would be some sort of excuse for something. I decided University was not for me. I was eager to be a writer and a young business woman.

I finished school on a very anxious note. My anxiety had just reached a new level I had never experienced before. I was totally at sea, and although I told people about my anxiety and had done some CBT it wasn’t really taken seriously by my school. So, now I know before one of my exams I experienced some form of hallucination. But before you get freaked out it was when I was asleep. Apparently I was inbetween sleep and consciousness. I was having a nightmare that I was failing my exam. I felt like I was really taking the exam, but I could also see my room. Plus the nausea was horrible, especially with my fear of being sick.

But back to the other situation. I don’t know if you are in the same position as me? Isolated. Completely isolated. I’m trying. I swear I am. Making friends when you’re socially anxious without school is difficult. Everything is up to you. You have to go searching for it. So, although I do voluntary work once a week to combat my worries. I am looking for a ‘normal’ job because that’s what I ought to do. Plus it makes conversations go flat very easily.

But I always get in a muddle when I really think about jobs. Yes you earn money. Yes that’s well and good. You need money to live in this world. But the actual reality of work is that you experience the same world over and over then to get to a hard part. We’re told by society you either go to university or get a job. Then it changes to get a job.

Then your forced into this circle for life, where most of us are just chasing money with no real happiness. Doing things we didn’t want to do, for little pay.

Anyway. The fact that I’m unemployed makes me feel tainted. Looked down on by society. I’ve nearly reached a thousand words. So, I will write another honest post soon!

I love you. And if you liked my honesty post please give it a LIKE. Please do SHARE if it will help someone else. Congratulations you have managed to get to the end of my long rant! All the love and hugs xx

Anxiety Diaries: 6th March 2015

Sometimes words can rub off on us. Give us boom-nows-my- time chill. You know what I mean, right? Well anyway sometimes that can be enough to spur those brain cogs on. Other times perhaps like now they’re going through one ear and out the other. That or like when you read those cutesy quotes you are ballooned with all this excitement. I’m not going to let anyone stop me… I can do anything. Then you’ve guessed it whether that be minutes or hours we are back to the same old same old.

Now here is going to be a collection of what I’ve learnt from the few days, I’ve clearly procrastinated from writing the blog. Speak. Not so hard is it you say?

A few days ago. I stood up in a small crowd of people and spoke. Why is that a big deal?

Whatever you choose to take from this, whether you believe in God or not. For me God had a lot to do with it. In fact, it was him who put my hand up, stand up and hold a mic. The me inside couldn’t comprehend how that happened. How I got here. Now this was it. Now I had to say something. There was no awkwardly trying to throw the mic at someone else. I had waited for this moment yet, I was frightened.

All the things I talked about saying had slipped from my noggin. I was terrified. Before my feet had been tapping in nervous anticipation. But then something happened. Words flowed elegantly from my mouth and people responded it amazingly. I had to remember the fear I felt was nothing in comparison to the fear that I was speaking for. This struggle I felt, my heart racing – the do I don’t I speak – is nothing. My prayer was answered completely.

What was I scared of? Judgement? Rejection? I have been a people pleaser all my life. I’ve always had this urge to please people, because I couldn’t stand if they judged or disliked me. That I have to eat everything to not offend someone. That I have to cover up my emotions, because it would be rude or impolite of me to do otherwise and so on and so on the list goes.

Listen to those thoughts. Yeh, I didn’t realise how ridiculous they sound either. Or rather I did, I just didn’t and don’t quite know what to do with them. Years in quotes and stuff people say ‘be yourself’. And I’ve been like yeh that’s so true. Yet in social situations found it hard to find myself, a version that’s not just acting for the other person.

It’s amazing to know that you can be you! It’s simple but it’s weird just how much you can forget it. You have a voice. Own it! Be it! Your voice is just as important as anyone else’s.

If something is coming up in your life that you need a bit of courage for, listen to this song Brave by Sara BareillesI want to see you be brave! Listen and really soak in those lyrics. It might not give you automatic bravery, but I tell you just close your eyes and visualise the positive outcome.

Whatever your feeling right now. Whatever life horrible rubbish that might be trailing you right now. Even if you don’t believe your entitled to these feelings. You’re here. You are loved. Look you’re getting through it and that ain’t easy my friend. And what does that tell you… that you’re amazing of course. You were made perfect. You are perfect, no matter how many comparisons you might think of. Everyone has their own sort of beauty. Let yours shine through.

Share and like. Please do comment on your BRAVE moments. Doesn’t have to be big. Could be as simple as a smile to whatever – I don’t want to limit it! If you likey please do remember to show me with a like or a share. All the love and hugs!! xx