19 Quite Frankly Shameful Reasons I Don’t Want To Turn 19 Tomorrow

  1. Normality called. According to him/her I have an unfathomable list of expectations that I feel I can’t reach (probably because I have short arms)
  2. I just really don’t want to be 19. Like really. Anyone want a swapsees
  3. Seriously did I just blink through my childhood? Gosh, I wish I could change those socially scaring memories that make me feel totally behind.
  4. Is it weird to say I don’t feel I deserve to get older? Like there is some weird test where you have had to done all these things to be 19. Yep just me. Got it!
  5. That I’m trying to make this list somewhat humorous in attempt to protect myself from the thought and the pointless running feeling in my veins. I will try to be serious now…
  6. I feel guilty
  7. I have watched my older sister at this age seen her thrive, have good friends, no social anxiety. Want to fly the nest and all the experiences someone my age should have. I don’t know how to explain it, but I feel these years are always hers. I don’t feel real that it’s my turn in them.
  8. I haven’t done most things that even a 13 year-old does without thinking i.e. going shopping with friends, cinema etc. It’s embarrassing!
  9. For goodness sake I’m just so ashamed and humiliated that I still hang on to my parents like a child. Can I feel anymore of an outsider/loser to my generation?
  10. I want to stop it. Shield myself from tomorrow. But I can’t and will never be able to.
  11. I feel like I’m late growing up. Like I had a serious delay because of my years of social anxiety in high school. It’s like I’m learning social skills from the ground up. That makes me feel awkward and laced with a guilt that makes me socially unacceptable.
  12. Frankly I’m crapping myself scared.
  13. This makes me wish even the smallest bit that I lived in Neverland (the Disney version not Once Upon A Timers)
  14. I’ve meant to have grown up. Is it possible to grow up in a matter of hours? Wait aren’t I meant to have ‘grown up’.
  15. I feel ashamed of myself because I look 15 perhaps younger. Let alone 18 – now 19. I can’t deal with the surprised faces!
  16. A year from now I’m 20 :O Just think about that aaaaahhh!!!
  17. I hate the feeling you get when your birthday is about to end. It’s like birthday withdrawal. Yes I’m conflicted.
  18. Where has the magic gone?
  19. I have just, nope I haven’t even got used to 18 yet.

I thought I would share this list with you guys. Does anyone else feel the same? Please LIKE or SHARE or COMMENT especially if you want more posts like this! Love you all so much – I mean really. I hope whatever storm passes that I can at least equip you with something whether its comfort, words, sharing relatable things that will help you get through it. Love & hugs ūüôā

Advertisements

7 Reasons I can’t Stop Talking About My Mental Health

I know it’s not the same for everyone. No two people will ever experience something¬†in exactly¬†the same way. But for me in relation to¬†family chats or having a natter to myself/ self chat. I can’t get this stuff¬†out of my mind.

Ok ‘stuff’ isn’t the most useful word. It’s sounds as if I’m shoving cotton wool or something in my head. But somehow on screen it manages to pretentiously shrink all my problems into an insignificant word. It has some teenagery magical properties to it!

From the moment I wake up at 6:40 every morning to the dreaded don’t-feel-accomplished night. All I can talk, think, breathe and make conversations (to the family, I’m still in society’s closed book thing) about is… trying to find the right word for it… thoughts?¬†Err no.¬†Depression… yes but not quite. Anxiety?

Apparently I can’t stop and even though I’ve tried not to speak about it. It’s tempting as… No it’s pretty tempting! Anyway I think the people around me have had enough.

So here we are then! Basically 7 reasons why I can’t stop talking about my¬†myself¬† mental health:

1. In the mental world I’m on a battlefield

When you’re on the battlefield you need allies, right? If you go it alone, you may as well wave that white flag or return that crown back to the jewelers (if you can find the receipt). Because with allies you’re more likely to win (this can include yourself by the way). I need you’re assurance that you’re in it with me!

2. I’m not being annoying, I’m just as confused as you are.

I know I talk about it a lot. ¬†Yes, it looks selfish. But I’m just hurting. And I wish I didn’t feel the urge to seek reassurance. It’s frustrating for you because you don’t fully understand. Guess what? I don’t either. I’m just as confused if not more than you.

3. It’s kind of hard to ignore pain

If someone is in a lot of pain physically. Say, this chap has broken his leg. You might forgive them for talking about it (all the time) or not concentrating on your story of your hard day at work. It’s the same for me.

Instead, it’s this constant inward pain in my heart, an intoxicating mind hum. It is both inward and outward pain. Inward is the most excruciating.

4. When you tell me not to think about it – IT’S ALL I CAN FLIPPING THINK ABOUT!

Has you’re therapist done the whole¬†if I said don’t think about a pink elephant riding a unicycle¬†thing?¬†Knowing that you would thing¬†exactly that.¬†Yeh, the same thing.

5. This is the loneliest place

Yeh I talk about it, perhaps you think too much. But, it gives me this intense lonely ache in my heart. Like I’m constantly on a deserted island without Captain Jack Sparrow and his secret rum stash (I don’t drink anyway) or some sea turtles that I can strap myself to and escape anxiety and depression AT LAST. If you haven’t seen Pirates of the Caribbean you might be a little at sea here!

6. I just want your help

I only want assurance. When everything feels like its floating away from me and I have nothing to cling onto other than someone’s words to soothe me. Everything feels questionable. For pity sakes! I can’t even decide whether to have porridge or cereal for breakfast!

7. Listen, I’m trying to explain

I say it again and again because I don’t feel like you’re listening. I do it because I so desperately want or need you to understand. Not exactly what I’m ‘going through’ (haven’t we said that enough!), but me. I’m scared. Like really scared.

And if I don’t explain it to you I fear it will get worse. That I will explode.

It is a human need to feel understood. A very natural urge indeed.

Hi Everyone! Thank you for reading my post! If you liked it and felt that it helped or you can relate remember to LIKE & SHARE. I hope you are having a good day. And that if anything I’ve provided you a bit of hope. Our storms will pass! Love you ūüôā xx