I want to write, but don’t. My idea for this blog was not to influence people with my well-known pessimism or sarcasm, but to show a positive journey of overcoming anxiety. Let’s just say it’s not going to plan. And I have forgotten all the witty lines I thought of putting on here about an hour ago. In someway I feel I failed. But I guess you’re gonna hit some bumps on the road, stupid potholes! Humph
One word for today… overwhelmed. It was one of the gradual incline days. You know the ones your perfectly fine well ish and then something catches you? Cue emotional breakdown. You feel like you have reached what everyone has called Rock bottom. This must be it you think. What it’s meant to be like? If depression in height is the bottom then this must be where I am. I had been alone in the house, enclosed in its walls that I have almost become part of the furniture (is that a line from Oliver!?). Then some weird symptom has had me freaking out. It just set me off. But am I at rock bottom, the invisible metaphorical place?
Well here is the glitter of positivity. Which has now just astonished me. It’s weird what can happen when you write. Today we walked, when I say ‘we’ I mean my mum and I to a cafe. Frustrated we couldn’t get into the cafe (hungry mind) with a view because a random wedding party was crammed in there. We headed back to the car. I noticed mum trudging beside me her eyes straight on the dull pavement ahead. She was missing it! The view was just there, beautiful and yet she was distracted by the ugly concrete slab. When I told her this she almost shuck her head in realisation. There while she was not looking, were clouds that looked as if they were the shading of a masterpiece not my reality. Perplexing nature, birds swooping down to the water logged marshes. Formed pools gleaming in the light which escaped the veil of the clouds. It was all there.
So, although I’ve had a good cry and have not been the perfect role model I wanted to be. This is my lesson of the day. Look at the view. It’s beauty. The many complexities. It’s already there. We’re just not turning our heads to it. Why is the concrete more appealing? Concrete is dull, man made it swallows everything up and paralyses.
Considering I like my metaphors. Not an English geek or anything – pah? Concrete can be our suffering, anxiety, depression, society’s opinion either way it encases us and draws us away from reality. The view is who we really are. I know beautiful is an over used adjective so I will find another. Ambrosial check that out! You are complex, human with all added complications and perhaps you and I with an extra helping. But, who doesn’t like an extra helping to an amazing desert?
I don’t need to know you to know how delightful you are. You are. Like the view you may be waterlogged with thoughts, have a few muddy areas underfoot, but when you look UP. The wider picture it’s there staring you in the face!
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